Student Hopes Bridge Year Will Turn Him Into Hookup Machine

Illustration by CO '15.
Illustration by CO ’15.

Arnold Severus, a moneyed and self-assured male student, has made the decision to apply to Princeton University’s Bridge Year Program, citing hopes that the exotic opportunity will turn him into a “total hookup machine” come fall.

“I realize I’m an arrogant, self-serving bastard, so I’m hoping a faint brush with another culture will give me the social capital I need to disguise my terminal douchebaggery under the veneer of dissatisfaction with the close-mindedness of the American mainstream,” quipped Severus.

Severus hopes to study “somewhere,” and admits he is not that interested in the humanitarian and cultural aspects of the program, but mostly what talking about those things can do for his reputation back at school.

“It’s not who you are, it’s where you’ve been. Personality isn’t an issue when you can say with aloofness, ‘The US is so different from Zimbabwe,’” Severus said.

“I’ll just act remote in precept, and brood a little, while finding a way to relate every discussion question to my summer experience. That’ll have the ladies interested, but when they see ‘Paradise ❤’, my Facebook album of thousands of pictures of a country I neither care for nor understand, it’s all over.”

The international explorer has even begun to dress the part, adopting a cross-cultural aesthetic involving a coral necklace (J. Crew $15) and an Aztec-patterned polo (J. Crew, $90).

“I’m really hoping someday to convert to Buddhism, or at least start wearing bracelets,” Severus mused.

Severus can trace his passion for travel all the way back to the moment he realized his family could fund it. He has plans to major in what feels right and eventually act as the catalyst for liquidation of his family business.

— CJS ’16

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