Sometimes a crude, punctuation-based picture is worth a small collection of words. And in this age of smartphones, where texting could transform at any moment into meaningful conversation, never has the conservation of speech been more important to your emotional safety. Accordingly, we here at The Tiger have assembled a list of modernity’s most useful textual conveniences to save you from the long journey of actually learning to express yourself.
The Unhappy Hurdler
The unhappy hurdler is a textual classic that represents in a sharp visual medium those moments when your life is an unstoppable train of let-downs. Did that hurdler make it across those hurdles? Did you kiss Teresa Wiggins and gain your father’s respect? WILL DENNIS EVER SEE YOUR PLAYFUL SIDE?
The hyperellipses is used to demonstrate that in the course of considering your partner’s last message you have traveled time, defeated your future enemies, and died a rich and fabulous man, yet still retain the same feelings of reluctance towards what has just been said.
This weaponized and armor-plated textual phallus is the perfect closing argument to any online debate. Regularly punctuated penises can only advance your message so far. But an erect, possibly sentient, post-apocalyptic Johnson is sure to have your opponents bowing their heads in e-respect. Charlie Watts just called out your Call of Duty no-scope skills? Send him a mecha-dong. And remind him who’s in charge.
The “What Am I Doing With My Life” Womb
Employed when your boredom and lack of direction have reached such great heights that your life is about as interesting as floating senseless in an amniotic sac, this textual favorite is also known as: Every Sunday Night, Portrait of a Comp Lit Major, and My Summer Plans.
The Human Feels-A-Pede
For those times when it feels like life itself has kidnapped you, locked you in its basement, and is force-feeding you emotions. Or just when you need to visually describe what happened last night at Ivy initiations.
The Forever Wink
Used when the flirtation is so potent, the innuendo so unapologetic you have literally sewn one eye shut in an effort to keep things light. Warning: The Forever Wink should only be employed as a last ditch communicative effort. Such situations include: texting a member of the opposite sex, sending dad a dick pic, and that one time you told Peter Singer you wanted to keep things “100% practical and 0% ethical.”
The “Sex-Me” Shrek
If DreamWorks’s Shrek had one memorable trait, it was his sexual virility. Channel the raw carnal force of this beloved children’s character with an artfully crafted ‘Sex-Me’ Shrek. This pixelated ogre’s eyes are saying one thing and one thing only: we need to bone. So forget foreplay. As soon as your lover sees this gap-toothed love-boat, she’ll know, like an onion, it’s time to peel off some layers.
The No Fucks Barney
When you’ve become the sewer system for another person’s emotional garbage, punch them in the heart with a well-placed ‘no fucks’ Barney. Though it may take a few days to craft this textual behemoth, nothing says I would rather be stabbed by a clown than listen to what you have to say like an exuberantly large, pedophilic dinosaur.
– CJS ’16. Illustrated by CSO ’15.