Eco-Friendly Alternatives to Children

When deciding whether or not to have a baby, it’s important to consider that human beings are the environment’s greatest threat. Every exhalation is a bullet in the wheel of Mother Nature’s motorcade. Each fart, a glacier’s last breath. Before you try conceiving, remember that there are other, environmentally conscious options.

Reed Totem

Woven by the Wykota tribes of the Southern Amazon, this reed-bound homunculus is a near perfect mimicry of a human child. Each stalk of your new baby’s body will be harvested from the freshest dying river weeds and overseen in its assemblage by a notable local shaman. All reed babies are even imbued, so the legends say, with the angry spirit of one of the Wykota’s slain tribal enemies. In other words, you’ve got yourself one spunky tot.

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A Water Bottle

Lord knows we have enough of these lying around polluting our landfills! Why not care for one as if it were your child? Most water bottles have a texture approximate to that of a human infant’s skin, and will deform, just like a real baby, upon undue pressure. Watch as it fills with the milk of its mother! This little guy is always thirsty!

A Brood of Hornets

Every parent knows the first stings of adolescence are the most challenging and rewarding moments in parenthood. Simulate this fulfilling chapter in your maternal journey by adopting a frenzied brood of hornets. Like any teenager, they won’t let you close, but you can enjoy the proud pleasure of standing back and watching them grow from afar. Soon, your little hive is going to want to move outside the house. Into the rafters. The mailbox. And even the neighbor’s kitchenette. Don’t try to hold them back. Though the nest may be empty, your heart will be full.

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7 lbs of Industrial Smog in the Approximate Shape of a Toddler

Contrary to popular belief, cleaning the skies and filling a crib are not mutually exclusive. A child-sized sack of industrial smog is a fun and effortless object to rear. Watch as your baby diffuses, and flick away its tears of condensed, carcinogenic by-products before its plastic skin melts just like your heart.

Not impressed by this list of Eco-Friendly options? Still thinking of having a living, human baby? We urge you to reconsider. But, if this is really what your black heart desires, here are a few of the best methods available today to help cut down on your little tyke’s contribution to the smothering of our green earth.

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The Johnson & Johnson Waste Reformer

This state of the art, closed circuit body-suit will reduce your child’s carbon footprint (as well as reducing its ambition, eyesight, and chance for proper motor development—though these costs far outweigh the costs of potential environmental damage). Made of unyielding, poorly jointed plastic, the suit ensures the pollutants of your child’s natural processes are kept carefully contained, far from contact with earth’s delicate skies. Throughout the day, your infant’s wastes will be reclaimed, recycled, and dispensed in a series of dry, nutrient-rich capsules. These serve as exciting family snacks and a healthy alternative to mass-produced and environmentally guilty produce.

Acne Oil Lamps

Come puberty, your child’s face will go into business as a factory of oils. Oils that can damage our water supply, and most importantly pollute our seas! But there’s no reason to be complacent about this shocking and environmentally damaging transformation. Collecting your child’s facial excretions every few hours in large, sub-basement vats could greatly reduce the chance of unwanted ecological effects, and pressing these oils into ‘puberty wax’ provides a safe and effective fuel for non-electric lamps.

A Build-Your-Own 72 Acre Forest

Wondering what to get the kid who has everything? Enter conservation’s coolest crafts project for kids. The ‘Build Your Own’ 72 Acre Forest! Timmy will spend minutes with other toys, but an average of fifteen consecutive years performing the required planting, seeding, and irrigation needed to transform this arid portion of the Atacama Desert into a lush and verdant deciduous habitat.

Recycle your child

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– CJS ’16

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