Woman Can’t

SEATTLE, WA – After being confronted with an article from a media aggregator which she saw on the social media page of an acquaintance, area woman Maria Hastings, 21, confirmed Wednesday that she can’t.

“I just can’t,” she said. “I just can’t right now!”

The article, written by someone with different views on society and politics than Hastings, affected the college-aged woman so deeply that she repeatedly stated that she simply could not.

“Is this serious?” Hastings asked. “I can’t!”

Hastings was apologetic about not being able to.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t right now!” she said. “Absolutely cannot. Noooope.”

Friends of Hastings confirmed that she could not, adding that she often can’t after checking her Facebook page or scrolling through The Huffington Post.

“I remember last week there was this article in Jezebel, and Maria and I were like, ‘This cannot be real life,’” said her friend, Sarah Miller. “We were both totally like, ‘we just can’t!’”

At press time, Hastings was starting to be able to. She is now clicking on another link and — nooo, oh my God, no — she can’t EVEN!

– SBW ’15.

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