The Heir of Whitman Returns


PRINCETON – Shortly after the most recent case of meningitis was reported on campus, University Spokesperson Martin Mbugua confirmed that the mysterious “Heir of Whitman” had left another message promising further meningococcal illness.

“THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED,” read the message, scrawled on a wall in the lower level of Frist Campus Center in red paint. “WILSONITES BEWARE!”

A spokesperson for the Department of Public Safety said his department believed the message referred to the Arthur C. Jackson ’64 Memorial Chamber of Secrets in Guyot Hall, out of which some believe the Heir of Whitman has been operating. He advised students to use caution when entering the Chamber until the Heir of Whitman has been identified. The Heir, whose identity remains a mystery, has indicated that he or she has been releasing meningitis-causing agents into the population in order to continue Meg Whitman ’77’s “noble work” of eliminating Wilson College from campus.

– SBW ’15. Illustrated by RLR ’16.

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