A message from the chairman:
Yesterday, I went to the office of President Eisgruber to request he accept my resignation from the position of Chairman of The Princeton Tiger and, consequently, director of covert operations at Princeton University. I was informed that the President of the University does not in fact handle such requests, and I find myself growing increasingly suspicious of the actual responsibilities of the University president. Nonetheless, I feel compelled, for personal reasons, to step down as Chairman of Princeton’s premier intelligence community.
I know that in recent months my position within the organization has been the source of much speculation, but I want to emphasize that this is truly born out of a desire to spend more time with my thesis adviser. It is not, as some reports have suggested, a response to this publication’s reports of shots fired in the wake of October’s hammer and chisel incident at Nassau Hall.
F. Scott Fitzgerald, former editor-in-chief of the magazine, once said, “you don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.” With respect to Mr. Fitzgerald, I have found myself without anything to say for three and a half years now, and still I have soldiered on despite this glaring inadequacy. But all things must come to an end, and such is the case now with my tenure at the bastion of intelligence known as the Tiger. But mostly, I wanted an excuse to point out once more that F. Scott Fitzgerald used to write for us.
I have had the honor of serving as Chairman for a year and a half, and I could not be more proud of the strides the magazine has made in that span thanks to an incredible and talented staff that I am confident will carry on the proud and noble tradition that characterizes the Tiger. We have expanded our design and production capabilities, developed a talented group of writers and artists, and increased our capabilities in surveillance, counterterrorist tactics and espionage to levels not seen since our heyday in the 1950s.
Over the past 18 months, we have successfully carried out numerous covert operations, including the election of Shawon Jackson to USG president thanks to a relentless subliminal whitetext hyperlink campaign, the bloodless coup of Shirley Tilghman, the classified Operation MONOCLE and the character assassination of several high-ranking officials in publications across the campus. Indeed, such covert operations of the Tiger have done much to reinforce our position as the school-wide leader in intelligence.
Secrecy can come in many forms though, and leading this organization has not been easy. There have been many tough moments in my time as Chairman, and while many have not been fully declassified, I look back most fondly on the progress we made in the Newman’s Day accords, following minutes of tense negotiations between myself and members of undisclosed other publications in the wake of the Prince Parody massacre of March 30, 2013. But despite this adversity, I hope that the staff of this magazine will continue to rise to the challenge in the years to come. Setting aside the circumstances of my departure (which are, to be clear, definitely not the result of the controversy surrounding the aforementioned chisel incident), I can safely say I have been immensely grateful for my time as a member of The Princeton Tiger. Lastly, I’d like to thank our readers over the years for their support of our magazine (when we remember to distribute it).
Drunkenly yours for the last time,