Ask Dr. Sex

Dr Sex

A lot of people have asked me where my favorite place to do the sex is. I always tell these people that there is no place better than Prospect Garden. But it is no easy task because I assume that you want to keep it a secret from onlookers and P-Safe. Let me take a couple of moments to explain the best strategy.

First, the day before the proposed session of public lovemaking you will go to Prospect Garden to scout out the area. You will memorize every part of the garden – the name of every flower, every bristlecone pine. Report back to me, and I will see if you are ready. Also show me a picture of your proposed lovemaking partner. Damn, he/she is hot. Now, go eat at Prospect House because you deserve it. Go, look out the windows and gaze out over the land that you are about to conquer, just like the colonists surveying the fertile land of the New World before they took it from the its rightful owners.

Now the night that you have been waiting for has come. It’s probably a Wednesday or something, I don’t really know. You have all of the skills necessary to pull this off so don’t worry. Tell your sexual target to meet you in Prospect Garden and walk around looking for you. Meanwhile, you are standing in that part with a lot of trees – you know what I’m talking about. When your slam piece walks past you, grab him/her (because it’s romantic) and start your furious lovemaking in the back of the garden. It’s been going well for a couple of minutes, but SHIT! Why is P-Safe here? You didn’t tell me about this, Dr. Sex! I know I didn’t, that’s because I called P-Safe and told them where you were sexing. You’re about to get a nasty indecent exposure charge slapped on you. Wait, what? Yes! Your boyfriend/ girlfriend/“we’re just friends but like to have sex sometimes” got away! What’s happening now? He/she runs right to me for comfort because I was also hiding in Prospect Garden. Now, I will take her/him back to my room. I told you he/she was hot.

– AKR ’16. Illustrated by BAF ’17. 

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