Princeton Shoots to #1, Harvard on Rapid Decline

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Figure 1

Leading experts in college analysis have determined that Princeton is objectively better than Harvard. According to a committee of feuding alumni at US News Magazine, Princeton has achieved a US News & World Report rating of 100 beating out Harvard’s mere 99.

What does this say about the future of Harvard and of Princeton? After a careful statistical analysis of Harvard’s rank, the Tiger’s expert statisticians have suggested that if the recent drop is any indication, then Harvard will continue to drop in the charts. By the year 9703, Harvard is projected to become the worst university in the entire United States (See Fig. 1).

Harvard’s President, Drew Faust, has called University President Chris Eisgruber out, claiming that he “transferred funds” in order to earn the top spot. An investigation of Eisgruber’s bank account and his recent transactions show that he has taken out a substantial amount of money in the past year which he claims to be a “donation” for the “good of the university”. Without any concrete evidence of any kind of scandal, there is no reason to suspect that Eisgruber could have possibly bribed US New & World Report.

– JW ’17. Illustrated by EJD ’17.

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