President Eisgruber Steps Down, Cites Three-Year Affair with David Petraeus

eisgruber

In a move that has shaken the Princeton community to its very core, President Christopher L. Eisgruber resigned from his position Monday morning, revealing a “passionate, tragic” affair between himself and former U.S. Army General David Petraeus.

Eisgruber’s handwritten, tear-stained resignation letter spans a staggering twelve pages, describing every last amorous, sultry detail of the relationship. Though their first encounter, at an art gala in Paris, lasted less than an hour, the attraction was immediate: in his own words, “unlike any sensation I had ever felt since laying eyes on [Supreme Court Justice] John Paul [Stevens].”

“I have omitted nothing,” the letter begins. “The world deserves to hear the whole truth. Even the Kilimanjaro incident.”

Sexually explicit at first, the letter takes a dark turn as Eisgruber acknowledges his growing guilt.

“I couldn’t look into his eyes, not anymore… I’d betrayed my wife, my son,” Eisgruber penned. “But what kept me up at night, the thought that haunted me the most… how could I pretend to uphold Princeton’s Honor Code while grinding my own into the dust?”

Eisgruber’s confession came especially jarring in the wake of his well-attended installation just over two weeks prior. Held in high esteem by his students and fellow faculty, the former provost’s commitment to excellence in education, along with natural leadership abilities, impressed those who elected him as well as David Petraeus.

“I would notice a faint blush in Chris’s cheeks whenever we sat around the table, discussing the sexiest American generals,” former President Shirley Tilghman responded to interviewers. “And when Petraeus’ scandal was in the news, Chris never looked worse. I thought he had food poisoning or something.”

Reporters also contacted Eisgruber’s spouse, Lori Martin, hoping for insight into his domestic life. An apparently dedicated husband and father, his bond with Petraeus never appeared more than platonic, though their frequent “boys’ nights out” seemed “suspicious” in retrospect.

While the popular media has criticized Eisgruber’s infidelity, prominent politicians including Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Weiner, and Bill Clinton spoke out, praising him for his courage.

“I was a President once—it’s a tough job,” Clinton announced Monday night, pledging his support to the now-unemployed Eisgruber. “But hey, sometimes a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do, know what I’m saying?”

“Never been prouder of my boy Enrique Trouble. #VanillaEis,” tweeted Weiner on Tuesday.

Eisgruber, pressed for comment, released the following statement on Tuesday.

“I never wanted to hurt anybody, not my wife, not my son. I know it was wrong, but damn it, it just felt right.”

Other than a voicemail from his personal number containing seven minutes of heavy breathing, reporters were unable to reach David Petraeus.

– GAW ’16. Illustrated by AZ ’16.

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