Reasons You Chose Princeton

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  • You thought it might help your chances of getting into Cottage.
  • You didn’t know Princeton was in New Jersey.
  • For the chance to scream “More like ASSau Hall!” when you get your first, second, and final dean’s warnings for public intoxication.
  • Your squirrel fetish.
  • The privilege to pay to poop in the woods for a week.
  • So that you could send each member of your zee group a Facebook message welcoming them to “the ride of their lives.”
  • Four letters: Q U A D.
  • You can join any student group you want, no experience necessary.
  • You flipped a coin and somehow it landed “New Jersey” side up.
  • When you asked your magic eight ball “Where should I go to college?” it answered “Reply hazy try again” and you thought a Princeton education might help you find out what on earth that means.
  • You really wanted to have an awkward conversation with someone back home about what an eating club is.
  • You claim to be ambitious but were actually just too lazy to scroll down the page on the US News college rankings.
  • Forbes bumped us down from #1 to #3 after you already committed.
  • You were planning on missing all the regular meal times at whichever college you attended, so you sought out a university with a reputable Late Meal Program.
  • You were recruited for the Nude Olympics.
  • How could you say no after The Prince welcomed you to “the jungle?” I mean, how fucking choice was that?
  • Because Albert Einstein founded the university. Or at least was a professor there. No? Not even an alumnus? Fuck that.

– Staff

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