College is one of the few opportunities you’ll ever get to totally reinvent yourself. No one on campus knows your high school nickname was “Prince Shartsalot” or that you ‘accidentally’ made out with Becky Sturveson at your sophomore year homecoming. That is, unless you went to Princeton High School, in which case God help you and hopefully Becky went to Yale instead. Anyway, since you have what is essentially an episode of “Extreme Makeover” for your personality (superficial changes that will be gone within days), why not realize your dream of being the funniest kid in school? After all, who gets laid more than comedy writers? Follow these tips and you’ll have all your fellow classmates rolling on the floor like they’re on fire or being attacked by a swarm of angry beetles.
You may think that Princetonians forget about their Outdoor Action experience once the hustle and bustle of the semester starts up and they are forced to become best friends with their freshman year hallmates for the rest of their lives, but really the magic of OA never dies. Ask any senior what their favorite memory at Princeton was and they will nearly always say “taking a dump in the woods”. If you want to enliven any conversation with your wit and wisdom, use a tried and true line that everyone can relate to like “Hey! Anyone want some GORP?” or “Who wants to partner trowel?”
“Your Mom” Jokes
Like me, in high school you probably flew into a fit of rage and bit the ears off of anyone who made fun of your mother. But college is different. In college everyone is mature and has a fine-tuned sense of irony. If you don’t believe me, check the comments on any Prince article. The adult sense of humor you find at college means that everyone can laugh at themselves and at the fact that you totally banged their mom last night. The only problem is that now many of your friends’ moms live hundreds or thousands of miles away, so be sure to show them your plane tickets and travel expenses to corroborate your story. They may not appreciate the joke in the moment, but at least their mom appreciated it last night! Hey-oh!
If you haven’t heard about this yet, there’s a residential college called Forbes. And it’s really far away! Like really far! How far is it? It’s SO far you have to take the Dinky to Princeton Station and then get on New Jersey Transit to get there! (These are trains. The New Jersey Transit system is another excellent source of humor.) It’s SO far the school is building a friggin’ airport their so kids can get to class on time! Honestly, Forbes jokes are one of the most popular sources of laughter at Princeton and they literally never get old. Just make a crack like “I just flew in from Forbes and boy are my arms tired!” and your fellow students will be like putty in your hands. Bonus points if you live in Forbes, because no one knows how to appreciate a good Forbes joke better than a Forbesian!
Call Things “Gay”
College is a very accepting place. You can find a group for almost anything, and the LGBTQ community is no exception. You’ll be a huge hit if you embrace this by calling anything and everything ‘gay’. This signals that you understand and support the gay lifestyle while having a great sense of humor about it. For example, make comments like “precept is so homo,” “dining hall food is super gay” or “those two guys making out in Terrace are acting like a couple of queers”.
Make Fun of Nerds
Let’s face it: cool guys are funny, nerds are not. Stop being an alpha-fail and become and alpha male by asserting your dominance over the spindly-armed goblins that dwell in the depths of Firestone (that’s the library, not a nickname for hell). Make sure a sizeable crowd of chill and/or rad dudes and chicks are around before flipping over the stupid nerdy table some dumb loser nerd is using. Follow this up with Wedgies, Swirlies, Purple Nurples, and Wet Willies for pure comedy gold.
So remember to follow these tips and keep it funny or I’ll partner trowel your gay nerdy butt back to Forbes.*
*Like I did to your mom last night
— MWG ’16. Illustrated by KX ’16.