PRINCETON, NJ—Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman, angered for unexplained reasons, has been using her personal weather machine to wreak havoc on the University campus.
The weather machine, a multibillion-dollar prototype device originally developed by a division of the Canadian military to mitigate crippling snowfalls in Edmonton, was reportedly installed in the basement of New South in 2002 and has since been used primarily for advertising and marketing purposes. Tilghman, who has sole control over the machine’s use, reportedly began using it to suppress temperatures and maintain overcast skies in the Princeton area in early March, but has since begun a climatic rampage against the campus.
Tilghman, who has been seen in public only twice since March 13, is reportedly in the midst of a period of emotional tumult that has led to her seeking vengeance against the student body and faculty. All sources interviewed for this report requested that their anonymity be preserved, for fear that they might become the next target of a vengeful Tilghman.
“We’re not even sure who or what she’s targeting,” said a member of the University administration. “On the one hand, you have events like the March 25 snowstorm, which did little aside from make the entire campus miserable. On the other hand, you have things like the St. Elmo’s Fire destroying the rooms of several fraternity and sorority chapter heads.”
“I can’t say anything for certain, but I think this is her response to essentially being a ‘lame duck’ as president now,” said a University executive. “She knows she’s leaving in a few weeks and there’s not much we can do to make her leave any sooner. She can’t use the weather machine once she leaves, and the machine’s been sitting around building power all winter. I really can’t blame her. It’s the absolute perfect opportunity to settle some of the grudges and the frustrations that built up over her twelve years in charge.”
One of the few witnesses to have seen Tilghman in public recently reports that the President “looked like she hasn’t been outside for days,” fueling speculation that Tilghman has locked herself in a corner of campus to plan a massive weather machine attack. Tilghman’s only statement on the matter so far has been a profanity-laden missive sent via email to the Board of Trustees and the heads of several campus organizations three days ago, reportedly titled “ALL YOU FUCKERS WILL PAY”. Shortly thereafter, several cars were found overturned in parking lot 14, the product of what meteorologists believe was an extremely short-lived tornado.
While some speculate that the recent increase in cloudless days with temperatures in the high 60s indicates that Tilghman’s wrath has run its course, those familiar with the machine’s operation say that Tilghman is most likely letting the machine build strength for a major onslaught in the days ahead. The worst is yet to come, claims a worker at the University’s Cogeneration Plant.
“I’ve worked on the weather machine, and let me tell you, it’s capable of incredible things,” said the worker. “All the crazy shit we’ve seen so far? That’s just Shirley learning the ropes of this thing, and she’s learning quickly: she even made it rain during Preview, bypassing protocols we all thought were untouchable. If she keeps it up, we could be seeing localized Category 5 hurricanes, basketball-sized hail, and fire tornadoes by dead week. After that, who knows?”
The weeks of freak weather on campus have not caused any injuries or deaths, but University officials are concerned.
“I fear for my students,” said a professor in the Politics department. “I have no idea what she’s hoping to achieve, but it could be devastating. I just hope she settled the score with me when she flooded my office last week. I wouldn’t want to be the target of any of the stunts she’s about to pull.”
The student body is also concerned and confused. “Shirley always seemed so friendly and accommodating,” said one junior. “I don’t know whether she just snapped or what, but now I’m afraid to go outside.”
In spite of all the speculation, “little is certain” about Tilghman’s plans, according to a high-ranking member of the administration who reports directly to Tilghman.
“She hasn’t told me any more of what she plans to do than she’s told you,” they said. “All I know is what I’ve overheard, and that was Shirley saying that with all the power the weather machine has, she might finally be able to find a permanent solution to the eating club problem.”
- AKS ’15