LARPer Strike Threatens Virtual Reality

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For years, the virtual reality industry has been stagnant. Despite the kind of large amount of money spent on research, the technology required to accurately represent sensations, mimic senses, and respond to thoughts is still only achievable with ‘shrooms. New Entertainment Research and Development (NERD) threatens to change all that with a collection of new, extremely invasive sensual devices that have had promising clinical results in sensory communication and bringing test volunteers to climax. However, another new threat has risen, threatening NERD’s threat to change the world of virtual reality: LARPers.

Live Action Role Players, or LARPers, have been a significant social and political force for years, but this is the first time their actions have breached outside the bounds of their mothers’ basements. LARP “raid leader” Harry Dickinson, or Baron Neckbeard of House Dickinson, son of Blackbeard and the mermaid Isfelt, Lord of the Realms East of the Refrigerator and Demon Warlord of the Wii, Scourge of all Elevator Passengers and Devourer of Hot Pockets, Bearer of the Legendary Blade “Cakecutter” and Western Leader of the Hatsune Miku fanclub, held a press conference in response to NERD’s actions. Brandishing Cakecutter, Dickinson called for action against the perceived NERD invasion upon their “hallowed lands” of virtual reality.

Closing with the haunting words, “And feed your Neopets, because we may be gone for a while,” Dickinson called for a thousand man strike on NERD headquarters in Irvine, California. Despite the thousands of responses on Reddit, only 18 LARPers showed up on the day of battle, excluding Dickinson himself, as his mother wouldn’t let him. Unfortunately, these individuals’ massive girth, padded with tinfoil and cardboard armor, was sufficient to completely surround the building, stopping pale NERD scientists from doing their job. Riot police were called, and pepper spray and tear gas were employed on the strike’s third day. Remarkably, the LARPers seemed to be resistant to the noxious chemicals—a characteristic a bored NERD developer attributed to long-term exposure to Hot Pockets.

The strike continues, marking the eighth day NERD has been shut down and a new record for LARPers living outside a basement, though still short of the LARPer record for not showering—four years. Experts say that there’s no time for more records to be broken; the situation has to be dealt with soon. Former LARPer and police consultant Hugh G. Dickindawter urged the public to take action. Between bouts of being blatantly insulted by Stephen Colbert during The Colbert Report, Dickindawter warned viewers of the show that the LARPers were “leveling up.”

Dickindawter tearfully relayed that “it is only a time before they get… abilities. Dual-wielding, Rage, War Cry, Charm… Oh God, please don’t let them get Charm.”

However, despite Dickindawter’s misty efforts, the public is largely apathetic to the issue as a new species of hallucinogenic mushrooms has been discovered. The new fungi, Shroomicus fukuthehellup, was ironically found in the dank environments of the strike participants, providing another alternative to NERD’s products, and hitting the virtual reality industry with what Dickinson coined as “The Double Dragon Whammy of Justice.”

- KS ’15

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