Want to cleave her loins, but worry she’s on the lookout for canned phrases that might give away your singleminded pursuit of her Virtue? Read ahead! Because right now, for a limited time only: Realistic Pick Up Lines! The result of years of painstaking trial and error! Ready for use by today’s man on today’s aware, modern lady!
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn’t want to, because that would be frustrating for most of the world, but but but if you asked, I’d do it for you.
- Are you from Tennessee? Because I detect just a smidgeon of an accent, don’t worry, though, it’s cute! No I mean it, that wasn’t condescending at all!
- You look like a lot like my cousin!
- Is your name Jane? It’s alright, I’m bad with names.
- Are you a libra? Because you’re wearing a birthday tiara and I’m pretty good at Zodiacs! Oh hey man, no just asking. Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize—please don’t shove me like that.
- How big is a fat penguin? I don’t know either, because they’re starving. You look like someone who cares: have a totebag.
- How many days has it been since your last confession?
- Hey didn’t I see your face in the dictionary under “Face”?
- I want to floss with your pubic hair.
- This confession screen isn’t hard to turn into a gloryhole. Really, it’s thin enough, I could just make one right through.
- Hey babe, what winks and fucks like a tiger? My douchebag brother-in-law, Marty. I just know he’s screwing around on my sister and… Yeah this is him. What? Yeah I guess I’ll hold your drink while you dance with him. Aw, Marty!
- Did it hurt? When your mother gave birth to you.
- Does this rag smell like cum to you? Yeah, that’s cause it’s cum.
- I hope you’re good at sex, ’cause I’m not.
- Baby you must be tired… because you look like fuck.
- Let me eat you for like an hour. If you don’t want to have sex after that, we won’t.
– EL ’15. Illustrated by KGR ’15 & KR ’16.