Real Pickup Lines

Rose_Pickup Lines
Want to cleave her loins, but worry she’s on the lookout for canned phrases that might give away your singleminded pursuit of her Virtue? Read ahead! Because right now, for a limited time only: Realistic Pick Up Lines! The result of years of painstaking trial and error! Ready for use by today’s man on today’s aware, modern lady!
  • If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn’t want to, because that would be frustrating for most of the world, but but but if you asked, I’d do it for you.
  • Are you from Tennessee? Because I detect just a smidgeon of an accent, don’t worry, though, it’s cute! No I mean it, that wasn’t condescending at all!
  • You look like a lot like my cousin!
  • Is your name Jane? It’s alright, I’m bad with names.
  • Are you a libra? Because you’re wearing a birthday tiara and I’m pretty good at Zodiacs! Oh hey man, no just asking. Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize—please don’t shove me like that.
  • How big is a fat penguin? I don’t know either, because they’re starving. You look like someone who cares: have a totebag.
  • How many days has it been since your last confession?
  • Hey didn’t I see your face in the dictionary under “Face”?
  • I want to floss with your pubic hair.
  • This confession screen isn’t hard to turn into a gloryhole. Really, it’s thin enough, I could just make one right through.
  • Hey babe, what winks and fucks like a tiger? My douchebag brother-in-law, Marty. I just know he’s screwing around on my sister and… Yeah this is him. What? Yeah I guess I’ll hold your drink while you dance with him. Aw, Marty!
  • Did it hurt? When your mother gave birth to you.
  • Does this rag smell like cum to you? Yeah, that’s cause it’s cum.
  • I hope you’re good at sex, ’cause I’m not.
  • Baby you must be tired… because you look like fuck.
  • Let me eat you for like an hour. If you don’t want to have sex after that, we won’t.
– EL ’15. Illustrated by KGR ’15 & KR ’16.

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