PRESS RELEASE: Hardee’s Introduces New Fuckburger

Ohlwiler_Hardees

THE SOUTH — In keeping with the Hardee’s tradition of providing all-American, grass-fed meat to all-American, grass-fed men (but not vegetarians, because what are we, fucking Jamba Juice? Queer.), Hardee’s is introducing a few new menu items this year. In particular, we real men at Hardee’s are proud to present the all-new Hardee’s Fuckburger™.

Tired of meat that makes you look like a sissy? Tired of ordering the same sandwich as your gay sister? Well, untuck your balls, crawl out of that Pinkberry and try the all-new Fuckburger™, the only burger with a cock as big as yours. It’s a solid pound-and-a-half of bitch-free, redwood smoked roast beef sizzlin’ hotter than the women that you’ll nail while eating it. If you thought the Thickburger was manly, you’ll love our newest item. It makes the Thickburger look like some pussy shit fucking wheat grass smoothie.

Speaking of which, if a chick makes you buy her a meal after sex (what a skank), you can tell her to get the all-new Salad Toss. It’s a salad for women and gays, which is to say, a salad.

Hardee’s: What, are you queer?

- SBW ’15 & AKJ ’15. Illustrated by CSO ’15.

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