Mom & Pop Sex Shop To Close

Wang_Rafanos_UpdatedPRINCETON, NJ — Citing the rough economic climate, Rafano Family Sex Provisions, Princeton Township’s iconic Mom and Pop sex store, will be closing its doors Friday.

Amateur sex enthusiasts Agnes and James Rafano, tired of enjoying a simply above-average sex life, decided to go pro and opened the store in 1971. It has remained one of New Jersey’s only family-owned and operated dildo distributors ever since. Between big name stores like Hustler Hollywood, competition with Internet sales, and a flaccid public interest in the old-fashioned adventurous sex that Agnes and James grew up with, the sex supply store has seen declining sales for years. Sources have reported that another possible reason for the store’s financial woes was the enormous falloff in sales once it dawned on customers that Mom and Pop actually have sex.

“Kids today, they watch Internet porn, and they think they know about sex,” James said. “They think romance is just about pulling your dick out on Omegle and posting pictures of your untamed pubic hair on Craigslist. Call us old-fashioned, but Agnes and I have always thought that, if you’ve found someone special enough to titillate for hours until you both collapse, you should drill them face to face.”

Princeton students said they were sad to see the store go. “It’s a shame,” said regular customer Maggie Blume ’14. “Agnes really cared about what I was into. Corporations won’t come close to that kind of customer attention. She understood when I was going through a breath play phase and took time out of her day to help me brainstorm fun safety words. She remembered my favorite dildo size and had a fresh one ready for me to try every time I walk in the door.”

James and Agnes admit that they worry about what will happen to the quality of sex-supplies in the area. “Wherever kids are forced to turn, there will be a serious dip in quality,” says Agnes. “Those big name places are just moving product. They don’t care if the latex rubs or the chains pinch. But the kids will just have to deal with it. If this town doesn’t care for handcrafted French Ticklers anymore, there’s nothing more we can do.”

“James once gave me a sex pillow and insisted it was free of charge,” recalls PHS senior Kenny Garland. “All I had to do was carry it out of the store for him—his knees failed years ago. And I’ll never forget the time it took twenty minutes for both of them to squeeze me into that latex Sub outfit with nipple chains. Thanks to them, I’ll always know my size. Sometimes, I would just go in to talk to James, even when I wasn’t even looking to buy. Sometimes, I just wanted to have a chat about edible lubricant or body chocolate.”

“He really understood a lot about the world,” Garland added, “And about the clitoral orgasm.”

James and Agnes plan to retire to their home in Edison and work through their leftover supplies in the remainder of their golden years.

– EL ’15. Illustrated by JJW ’16.

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