Manti Te’o’s REVISED Tips For A Lasting Relationship With The Girl Of Your Dreams

1. Branch Out

Don’t limit yourself to meeting people in real physical locations, or even on internet dating sites. Open your search to ALL websites—anyone with a social networking account is fair game. What are the chances that out of 7 billion people in the world, you will meet your ONE true love in person?

Stick to people you actually know, or that you have actually seen with your eyes at least once.

2. Trust

As a loved nationally-recognized sports figure, everyone will always be truthful to you and nobody will ever try to manipulate you or take advantage of you. For this reason, you need to blindly trust everybody no matter how, where, or if you meet them. This trust will make you seem more endearing to people, and will broaden your love horizons. people may try to take advantage of you. Exercise at least an ounce of skepticism.

3. Other’s Opinions

If you are a stud linebacker for one of the most storied college football programs, people may make fun of you for dating a girl on the internet whom you’ve never met. But to develop a lasting relationship with the girl of your dreams, you need to not pay any attention to what anyone or everyone else says. Be with the person who connects with you. you can probably date just about any girl you want. Pick one who exists.

4. “In Sickness and in Health”

To develop a real eternal love, you will need to commit to love each other under all conditions no matter what happens. If your girlfriend gets in a serious car accident, never leave her side (metaphorically of course. Don’t actually go to see her, because that would require missing voluntary offseason workouts in January.)

5. Respect her Shyness

If you’ve been dating for a year or so and you ask her to send a picture of herself, and she keeps resending her Facebook profile picture, the only picture you’ve ever seen of her, don’t pressure her to send others. She’s probably just shy and self-conscious about her appearance. You already know she’s beautiful from that one picture you’ve seen, and you know she’s even more beautiful on the inside based on the tweets and texts you’ve received from her, so there’s no need to make her uncomfortable just for your own desires.

Try to actually meet the person you’re dating. If there is only exists one picture of her, ask her if she is fictitious.

If she sounds like a man on the phone, don’t say anything. This is probably a sensitive subject with her, and as the love of her life you need to support her instead of making fun of things like this.

If she sounds like a man on the phone, ask her if she is a man.

6. For Ever After

If she dies, honor her in everything you do. Make sure the world finds out about her and remembers her. But don’t go to her funeral! (see #5 and #6) If the relationship is purely digital, then you can relive all your fun times you both had by simply looking through your twitter feed and test message inbox. It will be almost like she never died. And if it turns out that she didn’t die and simply faked it to trick the drug dealers, don’t question her about why drug dealers are after her. This is probably a sensitive subject. She’s had a rough time being dead and all, so the least you can do is forgive her unconditionally and take her back.

If your significant other dies, go to their funeral to make sure she exists.

If a dead person calls you on the phone, ask them if they exist currently, and if they ever existed. Also ask them if they are the Messiah.

- MFG ’14

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