How 2 Get Laid

humantetris

Listen.

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of a thousand lonely women. That’s the sound of failure. Fortunately, I’m here to turn that frown sound upside down. After pussy-hounding for all thirteen years of my life, I have the 3 tips sure to get your game on, Yugi-Oh style.

  1. Cling. You have to be in deep to go in deep. The old days of “a lot of fish in the sea” are over. For our generation, rising sea levels and overfishing have resulted in a lot fewer fish per unit sea. So when you cast the reel, you can’t afford to have a change of heart, lest you end up with a flounder. So stick with it, no matter how many pieces your soul ends up in. I mean, it worked out for Ahab, right? The bottom line is you have to be insatiable if you want fulfilling blowhole action. If you want to spank ‘er, drop the anchor. Also, having a “harpoon” doesn’t hurt either. Well only the first time.
  2. Put it on a pedestal. It’s important to realize that smanging is how humanity sustains itself. It is, quite literally, the most important thing in the world. And the more you endlessly think of this, the more pressure you will and should put on yourself to get it on and get it in—without protection. And putting this ferocious, unrealistic pressure on yourself is the first step to success. As your romantic conquests inevitably and repeatedly diverge from the ideal, you will feel invigorated and empowered by your crushing failures to live up to your own expectations. This energy will radiate from you as an attractive, pitiable aura that’ll reel in the ladies like a “Kick Me” sign reels in kindergarteners. Ultimately, it’s all in your head, like the placebo effect (in that you’ll probably end up eating a lot of Tic-Tacs for nothing). Besides, putting pressure on yourself is a great way to meet older partners. Cougars always strike the ones that look weak.
  3. Raise the romance. As the culture of sexting and half-night stands (a few have started referring to this as a “hookup culture”) blossoms, it’s important to realize that the romantic requirements for courtship are higher than ever. Intricate Petrarchan sonnets and Hoobastank music videos will no longer get anyone in the mood. Don’t mention that you play Yugi-Oh either. Instead, it’s important to utilize body language. Mindlessly tugging at clothes and playing human Tetris are great ways to prime the pump. If your target is a little old-fashioned, and you are capable of speech, sentences that start with “let’s” and end in “in the rain” are how to get ‘em going. In the rare case that your target cannot pick up on basic social cues, aggressively shouting “YOU LOOK LIKE EMMA STONE!” is how to get the pants off.

- KS ’15. Illustrated by AZ ’16.

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