PROVIDENCE, RI — John S. Worthen, 43, has filed a suit in Rhode Island state court against “the ancient Mayans and affiliate gods” whose incorrect prediction of the end of days he views as “a fraudulent promise” worthy of restitution. John, who had been hiding in a Mexican cenote since November, emerged on December 22 to find the world wholly undisturbed by apocalyptic phenomena. Surprised and disappointed by the lack of destruction, Mr. Worthen immediately denied accusations of his own ‘fucking idiocy,’ placing blame instead on the ill will of the ancient Mayan people.
“They set me up!” Mr. Worthen contends, claiming that Mayan priests purposefully chose an erroneous date to act as the end of days. “Since 3372 BC, these con artists have been promising that everything was going up in flames this December. But, those bastards tricked us all! I haven’t heard a more convincing lie than when NASA said it put men on the moon.”
Yale Professor of South American Studies and semi-professional archaeologist Thomas Flintward confirms the deceptive nature of the Mayan prophecy. “When you discover a giant stone circle with engravings on it from ancient humans who lived in their own shit, protocol is to believe everything it says.” Flintward is “thoroughly perplexed” by this Mayan anomaly, arguing that it could in fact have been an intentional hoax, as Worthen insists. A team of Yale scholars have begun trying to interpret meaning from the failed prediction, a year-long process of fine dining, brandy sipping, and sighing that will ultimately come up inconclusive.
Mr. Worthen blames the false Mayan prophecy for “major emotional and psychological damage,” “loss of time at work,” and a small yam-shaped rash on his lower back. “I sold my house, my car, even all my insurance plans to stock up for the end. I put all the money I had into corn and human hearts. And what do I have to show for it? Two years of great unemployment pay. ”
The Mayan bird-god Quetzalcoatl has been summoned to appear in court on January 30. However, sources close to the god say he plans to flee his summons. Police officials confirm they will not hesitate to enter the spirit world to ensure his compliance with the law.
This will be John Worthen’s seventeenth suit in public court. Notable past cases include a suit against his own children for wrongful impersonation, a suit against the toy maker Hasbro after the death of his pet rock, and the successful indictment of Michelangelo’s Adonis for indecent exposure.
– CJS ‘16