Once Upon A Monday


Mondays are band-aids that take 24 hours to rip off; weekly plagues sent from above to ensure people never have fun for more than six days in a row, unless you’re on vacation, in which case, karma will get you eventually. But if the human race collectively hates Mondays with such passion, why keep them around? Despite the innate response to cower back from the beginning of each week, the day in question is perhaps the most important day of the entire week.

Imagine a world without Mondays. It looks good, doesn’t it? No desperate rushing to function again, no burning desire for coffee every five seconds as to feign attention at whatever class you’re in. But contrary to popular belief, Mondays are some of the last truly American qualities that bind us all together, and America is important. Have you ever had an awkward conversation on a Monday? Nope, because anti-awkward common ground is all around you, all you need to do is talk about Monday (or the weather…). Recently, Swedish scientist, Dr. Jags Finnsinte, has been researching what a world without Mondays would look like and the discoveries are shocking.

In 1789, France decided to “Revolutionize.” Whether fed up with being underfed, or just itching for some good old fashioned violence, the French really went to town revamping their country—everything from beheader tools to hot air balloons—even rearranging their calendar. Wait, stop the car. Their calendar? Didn’t we all sign onto this “Monday” crap? To them it was passé: ten was the new seven. Some say this particular rearrangement meant to eradicate all the religious holidays, but let’s be real. The French just wanted to eliminate another work day. Classic French.

According to Dr. Finnsinte, a world without Mondays is completely imbalanced. 1/7 of man’s life are Mondays—that’s 11 years for the average small business owner, almost 12 for Wall Street bankers. Having one country live out of synch interferes with the axis on which the world turns, thereby creating a time-warp sub-society where things like Lost can happen. So after a decade, the French forfeited, surrendered, abandoned, caved in, folded, retreated, threw in the towel, raised the white flag to having no Mondays. Not only had life become unbearable without them, but humanity had lost one of its core community values.

Confusion and catastrophe follow a world with no Mondays. It is one of the last remaining universal symbols that links all us 7 billion (and counting) together. Although it’s not always an enjoyable day of the week, no other day can withstand the pressure of being the bane of the world’s existence. So hate Mondays—it can shoulder all that and more. Just remember when you’re feeling blue, Tuesdays are always there for you.

– KAB ’16

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