PRINCETON, NJ — Less than a week after Harvard officially recognized Harvard College Munch, a student group devoted to kinky sex, the Ivy League’s kinky sex arms race escalated. Yesterday, Princeton University issued a press release encouraging the freshman class to participate in a class-wide orgy on Cannon Green. The event is tentatively dubbed ‘Princeton Bunch.’
University officials tout the orgy as an innovative and ultimately beneficial power play. ‘Princeton Bunch’ shows that Princeton is a tolerant institution, and it may also be a solution to the overcrowding caused by the historically large freshman class, the administration attests.
“If we can encourage students to share multiple partners, then all those singles will become quads due to four-ways, freeing space for next year’s freshmen,” said one official, trying to fit a new memory card into his camcorder.
Moreover, University President Shirley Tilghman hopes the event will spell the end of Greek life.“Sex is the only reason fraternities and sororities exist in the first place. If we give freshmen sex, there’ll be no ground for Greek life to stand on,” she said excitedly.
Students across campus seem to be responding quite positively to the announcement. When told of the news, Josh Martin ‘16, a prospective Physics major, was silent for a long moment. He then muttered, “This is my chance,” and ran to his closet, returning with two inflatable tentacles and a latex mask faintly reminiscent of Steven Seagal.
Many upperclassmen expressed disappointment that they will not be able to participate in the event, but cited the Steam tunnels, St. A’s parties, and Mehek Indian Restaurant as spots where they’ve had their taste of mass sexual ecstasy. They also said they look forward to watching the freshman class in action. Graduate students are upset with their exclusion from the event and have planned a marathon of public masturbation in protest.
While the date of ‘Princeton Bunch’ is not yet confirmed, RCAs have been told to distribute condoms and environmentally degradable chokers to students over the next few weeks. The freshman class council will also be selling commemorative hoodies reading “Harvard sucks, but we suck better,” at a price exorbitantly higher than their true value. All proceeds will go towards clean-up costs and the helicopter-borne deluge of lube that will be poured over the lawn.
The relationship between Princeton and Harvard has long been characterized by friendly competition. Animal abuse, statistical forgery relating to Asian student attendance, and mathematics are all some of the new innovative college practices that have come out of this storied rivalry. Is there room in the annals of Princeton history for another of these great traditions? ‘Princeton Brunch’ hopes to slide its way in.
– CJS ’16. Illustrated by CSO ’16.