Resident Evil 6
You are impulsive and headstrong. You don’t listen to other people’s advice, even if there are thousands of them and they’re all shouting “DO NOT BUY THIS GAME”. Your deep contrarian streak and stubborn competitiveness occasionally compels you to do stupid and dangerous things, like trying to beat a Muscovite in a drinking contest or attempting to play through the campaign of Resident Evil 6. You are currently curled up in the fetal position in front of your TV, sobbing uncontrollably as these your core values are irreparably shattered.
Assassins Creed III
You are lazy and indolent, preferring games in which you have to put in as little effort as possible into actually doing anything, and especially those with one-button gameplay that leave one hand free to cram chips into your sweaty, pudgy face. Well, you’ve found the perfect game. Let’s hope it can fill the empty void in your heart left by the human companionship you’ll never have for being such a parasitic slob.
XCOM: Enemy Unknown
You’re intelligent, resourceful, and inventive. You keep your calm even under the highest pressure. You welcome a challenge, knowing that the reward will be all the sweeter for the effort. And yet you bought XCOM instead of buying Dark Souls like I’ve been telling you to do for over a fucking year.
Over the years, I have stalked the bloodstained alleyways of Ravenholm. I have stormed the beaches of Pyrrhus. I have climbed to the top of the Tower of Latria and descended into the deepest recesses of the Tomb of the Giants. I shot down helicopters in San Fierro, skinned cougars in New Austin, and visited the Mile-High Club over Panau. I found the way into Shambhala and I found the way out of Aperture Laboratories. And you’ve spent the last ten years eagerly anticipating each latest installment in a shooter series with subpar shooting, underwhelming graphics, unremarkable storytelling and no sense of pacing, because you’re a fucking idiot with terrible taste.
I want to love you so much. On paper, you’re everything anyone could ask for: elegant, refined, absorbing, with fantastic taste. And good Lord in Heaven, you’re so fucking gorgeous. Every time I look at you, my jaw goes slack and I’m left gasping and babbling in sub-incoherent awe. But you lied to me. You promised you’d give me everything I ever wanted, and that wasn’t much. All I wanted was an open-world driving game with ultra-realistic physics, one in which I could feel what it’s like to drive your very own Koenigsegg Agera on the open road. But then I played you. I felt your cars slide like the pavement was covered in oil. I felt your mile-wide steering deadzone. You could have been the world to me, Forza Horizon, but you broke my heart. Plus, you won’t let me have the Agera unless I shell out an extra 20 bucks for the Limited Edition. You whore.
Oh right, you the player. You’re all right, I guess. I mean, I’m probably still gonna get the game too.
Call of Duty: Black Ops II
Hey, wanna see a magic trick? Red, white, blue, gray, brown, orange. I just listed your favorite colors! Impressed? Let me read your mind! What if I told you this isn’t the first Call of Duty game you’ve bought? And that you hated the changes to the multiplayer in Modern Warfare 3, Black Ops, Modern Warfare 2, and World at War but in each case played almost nothing else for the next six months? Spot on, right? Well, guess what? I can tell the future too! You’re gonna go through exactly the same process for Black Ops II! Pretty good, no? Hey, how about this: you’re going to die cold, poor, and alone, having wasted all the time you could have spent on self-betterment (not to mention a fair amount of money) on buying and playing the exact same fucking game over and over again for half a decade.
You are a slave of the masses, your tastes almost wholly informed by the perceptions of the people you associate with and the whims of the Internet. You’re the sort of person who uses Internet memes without a hint of irony, who said things like “epic win” when such things were popular to say, and who loathes Justin Bieber and Nickelback despite having never heard any of their music. I’ll bet you only bought Dishonored because you heard it was set in a steampunk dystopia and you—whoops, I meant the Internet—thinks that OMFG ST3AMPUNX IZ SO KEWL.
Need for Speed: Most Wanted: A Criterion Game
Back in 1997, Need for Speed III: Hot Pursuit had an underwater tunnel. Does this Need for Speed have an underwater tunnel? NO. Not even one. Therefore, it is a step backwards for the series and for video games as a medium of fantasy and imagination, of artistic expression. You, sir or madam, are an enemy of art, and your purchase of this fully-above-water garbage retards the evolution of the racing genre.
Medal of Honor: Warfighter
You sort of person who no get big word, so I talk small. This game you buy even when there better game out? Game with new idea, that make it fun to shoot gun and make bad guy squish? That sad, make me very, very sad.
Wait, you actually BOUGHT this game? Like, actually went out and paid money for the privilege of stopping every thirty seconds to compare everything in your inventory to the contents of a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned in years? Hah! You sucker! If you had any brains, you would have kept the $60 and just looked up all the Easter Eggs on YouTube, like I did.
Far Cry 3
You grasp your AK-47 tighter…so fun to shoot. So much blood. So real. Knife. Machete. Sharp. Good on throats. Multiplies throats. Hello, why does that guard only have one throat? You can fix that. Now he has two! Yes. You are the jungle. You are the apex predator. This lowly tiger is nothing before your mighty steel fangs—wait, a tiger? You like to kill TIGERS?!?! You horrible, horrible person! You sadistic, insensitive savage! How DARE you kill such a noble, endangered species for sport? BEGONE! LEAVE PRINCETON AND NEVER COME BACK!
– AS ’15