Scientists Eradicate Cancer: World Better Off

Big news shook the heavens yesterday as the Universal Regulation and Astronomical Science Society (URASS) decided to remove Cancer from the zodiac. URASS announced the act in response to the tragic alienation of one 16-year-old Madison Blitzberry, who, in the midst of a slumber party horoscope reading, stated that she was a Cancer. Her friends, also 16, were unable to differentiate between their slumber-sister’s astrological sign and the often fatal development of neoplastic tumors. After careful deliberation, the normally kind-hearted and worldly group of girls cut off all ties with Blitzberry, stating, “Because like, chemo makes you lose all your hair right?”

Despite the devastation wrought by this tragedy, many feel URASS is overreacting. According to the Danish Astrological and Technological Association for Social Science (DATASS), Cancer has long been a hallmark of the heavens, along with the other eleven historically associated clusters of shiny dots, that are, in reality, light-years away from each other. DATASS spokesperson Carly Maybree accused URASS of “launching an attack on our cultural heritage” this afternoon, continuing to state, “Get rid of Pisces if anything. I mean seriously, fish?” However, URASS has remained remarkably firm, despite the stiff opposition, stating that “humanity is better off without Cancer,” and “Pisces rock.” Indeed, despite looking like another “Pluto is no longer a planet” debacle, URASS’s decision has had some immensely positive effects, triggering a boon for map, star-chart, and calendar makers. In particular, URASS has provided a tremendous stimulus for the aging star-chart industry, which hadn’t seen any action since the appearance of Tycho’s star in 1752.

However, as the Tropic of Cancer is quickly being stamped out by map makers everywhere, questions are arising as to what will take Cancer’s place in the heavens. DATASS recently held an international poll to determine the next constellation, offering a chance for the world to decide on the next celestial symbol together. Maybree hoped the experience could be a “unified, transcendental experience in which our generation makes its mark on the heavens.” As of today, the poll leaders are “Penis,” “Stephen Colbert,” and “Mufasa.”

– KS ’15. Illustrated by JJW ’16.

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