Fire Safety to Administer Literal Fire Drills Tuesday

PRINCETON — In a follow-up to their Thursday email regarding the upcoming fire drills, Housing Operations announced today that they were putting aside the traditional fire-drill procedure, where fire drill personnel direct students out of their dorms, in favor of another procedure that involves the use of actual drills of fire.

“We decided that we’ve had enough,” said Fire Safety Inspections Manager Ken Paulaski. “Kids don’t respect our rules; they argue with our personnel; they try to hide shit from us. They set their rooms up like complete fire traps, with their piles of papers on the floor, their Christmas trees, their microwaves, their candles… It’s time we taught them a lesson.”

University Fire Marshall Bob Gregory, who sympathizes with Paulaski, sheds light on the new fire drills designed to help frustrated inspectors and fire safety personnel vent. “We’ve been investing in a specialized drilling vehicle that can both drill and spew flames. We’re just gonna ride this baby through each of the colleges, drill a few new means of egress, start some actual fires. If your stuff catches on fire, so be it—shouldn’t have had so many fire hazards. These cocky little punks will know not to take us lightly.”

Gregory said the cost of the machines was funded exclusively through the resale of confiscated appliances and from  increased student fines.

“Do you honestly think a sheet of paper taped to the inside of a bedroom door is going to cause a fire or keep someone from evacuating? Hell no. We’ve just been trying to save up.”

Paulaski, with fervor in his eyes, expressed glee at getting back at the students next Tuesday. “Nothing’s better than fighting fire with actual fire, and plus, the more stuff we burn down, the less we’ll have to inspect in the future.”

– AY ’16. Illustrated by CSO ’15.

You May Also Like