Everyone On Facebook Zuckerberg Except You


PALO ALTO, CA — Only weeks after Facebook announced it had reached 1 billion users, a federal investigations commission has published a report revealing that the social networking site has only two certifiable account holders. One is none other than chief executive Mark Zuckerberg.

“Slowly but surely, taking over one account at a time, Zuckerberg has turned Facebook into his virtual diary,” said chief of investigation Sam Bickles. “This is clearly a man with a lot of feelings and even more free time.”

Zuckerberg currently maintains 999,999,999 Facebook accounts. “It began in 2009, when a Princeton civil engineering student deleted his page to study for finals,” said Zuckerberg in a response statement he released to the press this morning. “I thought the guy needed to be taught a lesson for abandoning his friends like that, so I hacked his account to write, ‘I’m an uncivil engineer.’” At this, Zuckerberg struggled to conceal a giggle, then went on, “It was all in fun.  Then I thought, wait, this could really be something…”

Dr. Alan Stein, professor of Psychiatry at Go2Medschool.com, describes Zuckerberg’s systematic internet conquest as “the most extreme case of multiple personality disorder I’ve ever seen or heard of.  He has, like, a lot of feelings.  And a lot of free time.” Over the course of two years, Zuckerberg took control of all deleted Facebook accounts and created more than 25 million original pages. By April of 2012, only one non-Zuckerberg-operated account remains. “Now, I have the means to express myself in a way that no man has ever done before,” he smiled, “I’ve created and populated my own world, and I am the king.”

Zuckerberg’s self-made internet monarchy is indicative of what Dr. Stein calls, “internet megalomania.” Whilst some dream of taking over the world, the 28-year-old Facebook CEO chose to build his own, inventing almost 1 billion alternate personas through which to express himself. Amongst his favorites, he said, are seventeen-year-old Marissa Waldorf, who clogs her friends’ newsfeed with Taylor Swift lyrics and pictures of her eyebrow-pierced boyfriend, Spike, Jean Banks, a 43 year old nurse who over-enthusiastically posts about her children’s bodily functions and reminds them to “be vigilant” whenever she sees red solo cup activity on their timelines, and Minkus Flanagan, who posts biweekly “Poop” statuses followed by, “Sorry guys, was hacked.” In fact, all Facebook user claims of hackage in the past seven months have been instances of Zuckerberg hacking himself. Said one hipster, “Whoa, that’s so meta.”

Chief investigator Bickles concluded his press release by saying, “It required a great deal of research and thought to do what he has done, and in many ways, it’s an incredible accomplishment for him. At the same time, we have to apologize to the one user who has essentially been living a lie for the past half a year or more. Turns out you’ve been alone with Mark in the cyber-universe. Awkward.”

– MG ’15

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