University Raises Sushi Prices Yet Again, Resulting in Mass Student Outrage and Chaos

Not long after lowering sushi prices after student discontent, the university has been forced to raise sushi prices yet again.

“This is actually completely out of our control,” Dining Services explained. “Due to global warming or something bears globally have been consuming unusually large amounts of fish this month. Fish prices are off the roof now.”

Dining Services went on to announce that since the sushi vendors who supply the university have tripled their rates, there was no other choice but to raise the price to students by six cents.

Immediately following this announcement, the number of student visits to the Wikipedia page on Inuit fish hunting techniques skyrocketed. Hordes of students were seen trekking back from Lake Carnegie carrying makeshift spears made out of sharpened chopsticks and laundry baskets full of freshly skinned radioactive fish and algae.

“Hey, if the university can’t provide us with the affordable sushi that we need, why not improvise and make it ourselves?” one such student explained.

Meanwhile, enraged campus hippies, students easily coerced by peer pressure, and freshmen trying to be cool started an Occupy Frist! Movement. A large portion of these protestors have congregated in tents outside Frist, holding up posters of sushi and flags of Japan made out of twigs, stolen printer paper, and ketchup.

“They didn’t have the decency to even ask us if we wanted them to raise the price!” one protestor raged indignantly.

“This is a heinous attack on democracy!” another protestor shouted on the steps of Frist before getting trampled on by a campus tour group passing by.

One overly ambitious freshman running for multiple president positions took these protests as an opportunity to lure in swing voters and advertised signs saying, “A vote for me is a vote for sushi and hibachi!”

Campus police officers, armed with tear gas as a precaution, have increased their presence around Frist Campus Center. As of now, there has not been any confrontation. However, some students have responded to increased security by donning ninja garb and carrying Wii nunchuks around.

- BD ‘16

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