Intrepid Student Voyages Into Wild Unknown Beyond Charter

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PRINCETON, NJ—Last Saturday night, Brandon Wilson ’16 took a giant leap into Princeton University lore as he walked east on Prospect Avenue and, rather than take the customary turn at an eating club, courageously continued into the unexplored wilderness beyond Fitzrandolph Road.

Friends describe Wilson as being “the adventurous type, but not really in that sense,” and witnesses say he “had at least seven or eight shots in him” and “who knows what else,” when he announced his intentions to a small crowd in front of Charter Club.

“Princetonians! Why must we stop here?” Wilson is quoted as saying. “We call this ‘the Street’, yet all we know of it is a block and a half. No more, I say! I will see what lies beyond this veil! I will explore the whole length of Prospect Avenue, and all shall know its mysteries!”

Though those present reportedly raised an enthusiastic cheer, none volunteered to accompany Wilson on his task, and many raised doubts as to the safety of the endeavor.

“Godspeed, brother!” Murray added with a tear in his eye.

Knowledge of what exists on Prospect Avenue is scarce. Firestone Library contains no records of its successful transversal by a student, and the incomplete maps provide a dim picture of a dense wilderness in which the most notable landmark is a large, tetrahedral monolith known only as “Riverside”.

Many students question whether Wilson’s expedition will provide anything of value. In the words of one student at Tower Club, “why would anyone ever go that far down the Street? There’s beer right here. There’s stronger stuff back on campus. There’s absolutely no reason to go past Charter. I hear there isn’t so much as a tap for miles in that direction.”

Nonetheless, Wilson’s adventure has earned an enthusiastic reception on campus. “I can’t wait to learn whether Prospect goes all the way to Route 27,” said Christine White ’14. “And I want to know if the rumors are true about the Shady Brook of Youth.”

Brandon Wilson has not been seen or heard from since last Saturday night and is presumed dead.

– AS’15

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