The Schools You Could Have Gone To (or, There’s Nothing Wrong With Ending a Title in a Preposition)
You could have gone to Harvard
And been a Crimson man.
But what the fuck’s a Crimson
I’ll never understand.
“I went to Harvard undergrad,”
You’ll say to everyone.
But you’ll have to go to Harvard first,
Which isn’t that much fun.
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Philadelphia’s a nice town,
And Penn’s a decent school,
Or perhaps you’ll prefer “Wharton,”
As says the classic tool.
But when night falls you’re sure to find
There’s something you’ve forgot-
If you don’t stick close to the Quad
You’re likely to get shot.
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Perhaps you’ll study English;
Then Yale might be for you.
But New Haven’s just West Philly
Without the nice parts too.
And if you aim to engineer
Or reject the liberal arts
I think you’ll find your choice of Yale
Wasn’t very smart.
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“Ithaca is gorges”
Is how the saying goes.
Recall that in December
When it’s seventeen below.
Though half the school’s an Ivy,
The other half is State-
So take care from which department
You choose to graduate.
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Columbia’s in the City,
Good old NYC,
But if you’re looking for a campus,
It may be hard to see.
A couple city blocks is all
Columbia may claim,
So I’d choose to be a Tiger
O’er a Lion any day.
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Brown’s not quite as lively
As the color may suggest,
And, in truth, quite cultish,
Though their weed may be the best.
Plus Emma Watson’s gone now,
So I don’t see the point
Of living out my college days
With no fun but a joint.
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Dartmouth is distinguished
For one surprising fact:
“Kappa Kappa Kappa”
Is still one of their frats.
They swear there’s no allegiance,
To that group of infamy,
But why they won’t just change it
To me’s a mystery.
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Now, Stanford’s not an Ivy,
Though it sure pretends to be,
Cardinal’s just like Crimson!
But the mascot is- a tree?
Now I’ll admit their weather’s nice
And the academics good,
But none of that can quite excuse
A mascot made of wood.
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That brings us back to Princeton
Our wonderful Nassau
And since you’re here, I’m sure you’d say
The grandest of them all.
So from the Tiger to the freshmen,
We all say with one voice:
Congrats you new Princetonians,
You’ve made the smartest choice.
-TDM ‘14