An intensive study performed through Dean’s Date and finals period has culminated in the following psychological profile of the habits of Homo Sapiens Princetoniae with regards to general resting and slumber-related behavior.
Body Language Stress Manifestation in Young Adults: A Case Study on C-Level, Firestone Library
(or, Sleeping Positions and What They Tell You About How Fucked The Person Is)
While it is true that most people are neither narcoleptics nor insomniacs, the sleeping patterns of the average student vary considerably, as do the locations and positions. It is these positions in particular that allow for psychological insight into the student and situation at hand.
The chronology of the positions listed below corresponds to the mental and psychological degeneration of the student. It is estimated that every Princeton student expresses 6-8 of these positions during Reading Period and Finals Week and 1-3 per week during the semester.
1. Clinical Term: In Situ condicio classicale
(colloquially known as The Mid-Lecture)
In which the student’s head rests on his/her chest, while remaining for the most part vertical in a pose that is passable for sitting upright. (Figure 1.)
The characteristic head-hang is omnipresent among the student body as students are susceptible to succumbing to the dangerous combination of a warm lecture hall and the droning voice of the professor. In fact, lectures often provoke a Pavlovian response in the student – a monotone triggers a conditional dozing reflex. Drooling has also been observed.
2. Clinical Term: In Situ muscularis cubito
In which the student has an elbow on a table or side of a chair with his/her head in his/her hand, this pose testing the upper body strength of the sleeper. (Figure 2)
This pose is often the result of a contemplative gaze at the wall or empty coffee cup as the subject meditates on how best to bullshit. The student is most often found surrounded by shredded paper, a thesaurus and Jane Austen novels. Students who favor this position on a regular basis can be recognized on campus as possessors of one bicep considerably larger than the other. Pose often indicates a) ennui b) the disharmony between body and mind and c) the inability to articulate.
3. Clinical Term: In Situ quasimodus
(colloquially known as The Slouch)
In which the student is hunched over, with the head hanging low beneath the shoulders and the back dangerously curved. (Figure 3)
A pose that will ultimately cost the sloucher a year’s worth of Princeton tuition in chiropractic bills later in life. Although in society at large those who express ‘the Slouch’ are universally criticized by parents everywhere for ‘poor posture’ and ‘laziness,’ the position is actually an indication of denial or decision aversion, defense mechanisms especially favored by college students.