New Education Bill Bans Anything Bad from Happening to Children

Saying it is in “the best interests of the future leaders and innovators of this country”, the House of Representatives today passed the Child Misery Abolition Act, a law which makes illegal any action that wrenches minors out of a state of blissful reverie.

“This law is necessary to protect our children from the hardships of a cold and unfriendly world”, said Yvette Clark (D-NY). “Studies have shown that young minds are especially vulnerable to bad experiences, and can be changed forever as a result. We need to keep these precious young minds from harm.”

Inspired by an English policy which bars children from having best friends to keep them safe from an emotionally damaging fallout, the law has far-reaching consequences. It bans “excessive” amounts of homework; bars the possession of sharp implements within fifty feet of anyone under the age of 18; makes illegal stage performances of all kinds, to prevent exposure to hostile audiences; and provides funding for the removal of all school blacktop surfaces, a provision known as the End the Skinned Knee Epidemic Now! Act.

Clark realizes that perfect tranquility for the nation’s children would be an impossibility, but says it is “worth a shot.” Any criticism on homework will have to be counterbalanced with an equal or greater amount of praise.

“We have to make sure they learn, but there’s always the risk that their self-esteem might be hurt along the way,” said Clark. “It’s a chance we’ll have to take.”

The bill passed the House in a 356-74 landslide, but it is expected to have a harder time passing the Senate, as there is a continuing legal battle over an amendment to the bill that would bar unpleasant visits to the doctor and the dentist. Some worry that the highly-popular Free Candy Clause will force painful toothaches which require a highly undesirable visit to the dentist’s office.

“On the one hand, kids everywhere agree that dentists are icky and candy is great, but on the other hand, cavities are no fun themselves,” said Saxby Chambliss (R-GA). “But we can’t just have the free candy clause and allow for dentist visits to prevent cavities. But should we ban dentist visits if we want our kids to have clean teeth? And then there’s the risk of infective endocarditis. We don’t want our kids exposed to that, do we?”

“That reminds me—there’s no ban on paradoxes!” Chambliss added.

The bill is expected to provide a massive boost to the protective-padding, gold-sticker, and high-fructose-corn-syrup industries. Additional tax revenue will go towards buying a smartphone of choice for every minor in the nation.

“The bill limits boring classes like math and science to ten minutes a week,” said Chambliss. “Everything has a built-in calculator these days, though, so our kids will get by just fine. And more importantly, they won’t be miserable.”

 

-Alexandro Strauss ’15

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