Pundits and voters were abuzz last week over GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich’s new economic plan, in which he promised $2.50/gallon gasoline if elected president. This weekend at campaign stops in Georgia and Ohio, Gingrich made even bolder predictions, expanding his list of things he promises to fix if elected that are annoying but that the president has absolutely no control over:
Gas will be $2.50.
Cars will be $100.
You’ll stop ending up with mismatched socks out of the laundry.
That guy who laughs obnoxiously at the wrong part of the joke and ruins it, will stop doing that.
It will never snow in March.
That blinking “12:00” on the VCR will set itself to the correct time.
The second Reese’s cup won’t always be gone so fast.
The NBA will play defense.
The WNBA will be entertaining. People will watch it.
The plants in your garden won’t die.
The McRib will be offered year-round.
The Cleveland Browns will be competitive.
Josh Hamilton will stop relapsing.
Games of Monopoly will only last 45 minutes. And will end peacefully.
Slow drivers will get out of the left lane.
Gum will no longer get stuck to the bottom of your shoes.
It will never rain on wedding days.
That girl that you like will like you back. And she’ll tell you.
You’ll be able to click on articles on Facebook without having to allow access to Washington Post Social Reader.
Danny Glover will be in every movie.
You’ll feel well-rested on just five hours of sleep.
Nickelback will stop making music.
“President Obama is simply out of touch with the American people,” Gingrich told reporters after one rally in Canton, OH, “These are the things the people really want, and I’m the only Republican candidate with the cahoonas to fight for them.”
-Matt Gwin ’14