As the international battle for Pictionary immortalization rages on, Tiger Magazine is here to bring you the inside scoop on who’s ahead and who’s drawing dead.
In the lead:
#1 – The Republic of Nauru – The Republic of Nauru continues its pictorial dominance in the second to last week of the 52 week long international Pictionary season. Experts agree that this is most likely the result of voodoo sorcery or the fact that Nauru’s team consists of just one person. In a solo effort, Hammer Oshitabear, the Nauruan team, crushed opponents for the 51st week in a row while his absentee teammates were dealing with alleged home front crises like “extreme poverty” and “crippling disease.” Oshitabear, patriarch of the Ocrapaskunk tribe, looks forward to bringing home the coveted Golden Picture of a Trophy to his family of 9 wives and 46 children, where the arrival of the four ounces of solid-gold colored plastic will increase national GDP by a factor of 37.
#2 – Switzerland – Switzerland dramatically revealed their master plan this week, causing them to jump from 172nd place to second. Having apparently done no more than play Pictionary throughout World War II, the Swiss exhibited unprecedented and frankly terrifying prowess in the blindfolded-after-spun-around-in-a-chair-for-five-minutes rounds, often besting Nauru’s Oshitabear before he even regained his bearings. The Swiss team showed excitement and enthusiasm at the prospect of being recognized on an international stage for once, and are definitely shooting for gold. Team leader Flamur Gaybragge announces this rare Swiss desire to actually do something in his color-coded manifesto, We’s Winning at Drawing, Y’all.
#3 – USA – Despite having a rather distinct advantage in the fact that the competition is held entirely in English, the USA finishes this week in third. Due to fateful and seriously embarrassing misjudgments when given the terms “Austria,” “health care,” and “Barack Obama,” the Land of the Free stumbled into bronze territory. In fact, for a few tense days, the Americans teetered around and below fourth, until a clutch spree of, “Jonas Brothers,” “Nazi,” and “shotgun” came into play. Third place is well within striking distance for first for the final week, and the Americans are fired up and inebriated. Team leaders Xiwei Dongxi and Raheem Patel Patel expressed the team’s competitive spirit in their fiery statement, “We’re the doing the best out of the ‘real’ countries.”
#567 – Egypt – Egypt’s run of bad luck continues this week as the International Pictionary Organization of Orthography (IPOO) bans hieroglyphics. Apparently they do count as characters. However, despite this downturn and several locust swarms, the Egyptian team is still optimistic. Rallying a virgin sacrifice and collective rabbit-foot rubbing session, the Egyptians hope to appeal to Aool-Kid, the Egyptian God of Pictionary and Yahtzee, for luck in for the final week of the competition.
#31460 – Taiwan – After long deliberation, the IPOO strikes again, declaring that Taiwan is not, has not, and will never be, an independent country. All Taiwan’s points are to be transferred to China, and Taiwan renamed “China 2”. In response to this act of “targeted political and cultural ignorance,” the China 2 team filed a formal complaint and threatened to boycott the event. However, the boycott and charges fell apart when the IPOO announced a new spicy canine buffet, and China 2 will be back to see the tournament through.
#31461 – The UN – Unsurprisingly, the experimental United Nations team finds itself in last place, despite Taiwan having zero points. The controversial depictions of “Nazi” and “Myanmar” precipitated a furious internal struggle in which the Iraqi sub-team was trampled to death and replaced by a crude drawing of the Prophet Muhammad. As per the IPOO rulebook, section LCMXIV paragraph 4, the Ducksauce Corollary, “substituting a crude drawing of Prophet Muhammad in for a recently trampled representative results in a detraction of a ton of points.” The UN is now sitting in last place with negative 69 points, anguishing in its newfound position of insignificance.