Condom-Gram Optimization

 As with every Valentine’s Day season, Princeton students have been sharing the love by sending each other condom grams, comprised of candy, a condom, and, in most cases, a terribly sarcastic remark. However, much like the juxtaposition of candy and a condom, these contraceptives are often mismatched. As condom expert Hugh Ji Wang has reported rather smugly, “Size matters.” Indeed, having a properly sized condom is pivotal to both protection and pleasure for males. Female pleasure remains a mystery. To make sure condom grams will be used to their full potential, students have long since begun to estimate their peers’ penile length and request that seemingly appropriately sized condoms be sent. Unfortunately, this method has proven itself inaccurate, as assigning condom size based on anecdote or interview has continually led to vast overestimation and tragic wastes of latex. Fortunately, some students are taking matters into their own hands, and in some cases, their mouths.

In a movement known as the Condom Optimization Project, or COP, spearheaded by the immensely awkward Richard Magnus, students are working to optimize the effectiveness of condom-grams by making the appropriate measurements beforehand and usually in hand. As Magnus explained to a Tiger interviewer when asked about his inspiration for the movement, he was sick of receiving condoms that were “too… inappropriate in size.” When asked to elaborate, Magnus told Tiger that “your mom would know.” After some profuse apologies and phallic compliments, Magnus agreed to elaborate on COP, claiming that research sessions, in which students measured each other’s penises (through a thorough process known as COPing) were “bonding experiences,” and though “measuring the guy’s cock kind of destroys his surprise of getting a condom gram, making another guy’s penis erect enough for proper measurement is a surprising and rewarding experience in and of itself.” Indeed, accurate penile length measurements have been long sought after since tight jeans became fashionable. The data from Magnus’ student initiative is already being incorporated into Princeton databases and his program is being expanded to find out if Forbes guys really are that big. Magnus refused to give exact details, but mentioned that so far the results are overwhelmingly conclusive. Magnus admits that though his project has swelled suddenly to an uncomfortably large size, he will continue to push forward with all his passion, stating that he is “not even coming close to finishing.”

-KS ’15

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