In a stunning press conference on Tuesday, New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick revealed that his team’s Super Bowl loss was all part of a larger scheme.
“I don’t know how you guys didn’t realize it earlier,” said Belichick. “I set up everything to make the Patriots lose. A penalty for having twelve men on the field? Tom Brady grounding for a safety? The defense just letting [New York Giants running-back Ahmad] Bradshaw walk through them and score? All part of the plan.”
“I bet you guys even thought that I had nothing to do with [Rob] Gronk[owski]’s ankle,” Belichick added, cackling hysterically.
Belichick further stunned the audience by revealing that he played a role in some of the biggest sporting controversies of the past ten years, among them the 2004 lockout of the NHL, LeBron James’s 2010 move to the Miami Heat, and the death of NASCAR star Dale Earnhardt during the 2001 Daytona 500.
“I started where no one would think to look,” Belichick continued, disclosing his role in the seizure that Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo suffered hours before their 3-0 loss to France in the 1998 FIFA World Cup. “My power has only grown. And very soon–when the hideous new Formula One car designs race for the first time in Melbourne, in fact–I will have all the pieces in place, and then no one will be able to stop me.”
Belichick concluded the press conference by cutting out the heart of veteran ESPN reporter Gene Wojciechowski and eating it.