He sings his name before every song
You know what it is. You’re rocking out to some dope-ass beats and then, “It’s the Cataracs” drops out of nowhere. At first you think, “Why?” But then you’re relieved you won’t have to type the lyrics into Google later to name that jingle. The utilitarian revolution known as singing your own name before your own song was invented by – you guessed it – Jason Derülo. Jason’s melodic introduction of himself has made the music industry a low-stress paradise. One can only hope that more artists will follow suit, and pop-radio listeners everywhere will never again have to agonize over whether New Boyz or Boyz II Men crooned that tune.
He’s a lyrical genius
“I’m feeling like a star; you can’t stop my shine.”
He dances like Chris Brown, but is way less morally repugnant
Let’s put it this way: when Chris Brown dances, women’s panties drop so hard they leave little Victoria’s Secret-shaped holes in the floor. As an empowered female, however, I can’t really listen to Chris Brown’s (fucking sweet) songs without feeling like I’ve turned my back on abused women everywhere. I feel Rihanna staring straight into my soul with her white-hot gaze. I feel the eyes of my roommate boring into the back of my skull as I Youtube Chris Brown’s performance at the 2007 MTV Music Awards. And it feels bad, guys. But all of my social anxiety about Chris Brown was averted when Jason Derülo first broke it down in the music video for “In My Head.” Finally, white women everywhere put their faith in a less morally ambiguous dancing black dude. And we couldn’t be happier about it.
He fucking gets women
If you’ve ever listened closely to the lyrics of “Whatcha Say,” you know that Jason Derülo understands the ladies. In this particular gem, Derülo offers a unique insight on the collective female mentality – it’s okay to cheat if you feel really really bad about it. And, with the line, “When I become a star we’ll be living so large; I’ll do anything for you,” Derülo gets to the heart of the matter – if you can provide an indoor steam room, your significant other will stay with you through any indiscretion.
Derülo reps the feminine sex in “It Girl” when he croons to his newest flame, “Much more than a Grammy award, that’s how much you mean to me.” Aside from his Yoda-like syntactical construction, Derülo once again hits it out of the park. If you’re ever feeling insecure about your man’s devotion, ask him what award he’d trade for you. If it’s an Oscar, get married. Seeing as it’s a Grammy in this case…I’d at least let him get to third base.
He samples sick songs, which is almost like coming up with your own material, but not
“Ridin’ Solo” sounds oddly like “Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve. “Whatcha Say” gets its entire chorus from “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap. “Don’t Wanna Go Home” samples the 1993 classic “Show Me Love” by Robin S. (Okay, I had to google that one).
And finally, “Perfect Girl” utilizes Daft Punk’s “Around the World.” You get the picture.
Jason Derülo knows what sells. And what sells is other songs that have already sold. There’s nothing quite as tiring as originality, amirite? That shit takes effort, and Jason’s got places to be and women to marginalize. This pop sensation ain’t 2 proud 2 steal, and clearly it’s working for him.
I, for one, hope Jason Derülo’s career pans out. He gives hope to misogynistic, less-talented versions of Neyo everywhere. And I’m on the edge of my seat in anticipation of the filling of that particular musical void, if only to see the world overrun by fedoras once more. Just imagine the fedoras. Imagine them.
– AW ‘14