Restrictions on Greek Life Devastate Greek Economy

Athens, Greece- Though countless Princetonians have complained about the University’s recent decision not to allow students to participate in Greek life until sophomore year, nowhere has the policy had a worse effect than here in Greece itself.  Ever since the ban on freshman rush, Greece has suffered from economic and social turmoil directly related to President Shirley Tilghman’s new rules.

When the announcement was made last spring, withdrawal of Princeton’s support led to a worldwide loss of confidence in Greece.  Matters were made worse by the State Department’s declaration that no American citizens could enter Greece until their sophomore year of college, which crippled the Greek tourism industry.

“If Shirley is against Greek life, how could any of us continue to support it?” asked Prime Minister Angela Merkel, whom many have called the Shirley Tilghman of Germany, in a speech to the UN.  The Security Council later determined to withdraw its support from Greece, despite the claims of many young Greeks that Greek society had provided them with a valuable support system.

“I love Greek life,” said Achilles Pilates, a member of the Athens chapter of Greece.  “I think it’s good for Greeks to get involved in it as early as possible.  If my little brother, Homer, has to wait until sophomore year to go Greek, what the hell is he going to do until then?”

Since the ban on freshman participation in Greek rush, Greece’s economy has been ravaged, bringing much of Europe along with it.  Massive unemployment has ensued, along with rioting rowdier than any frat party.

Greek culture is also being frowned upon.  When asked to comment, Turkish diplomats distanced themselves from their Greek neighbors, saying that they could not afford to be mixed up with such a disruptive country while in the midst of bickering the European Union.  Princeton’s administration recently announced that, in addition to being prohibited from going Greek, freshmen would no longer be permitted to take any courses that cover Greek language or culture.

“Classic works like Homer’s Odyssey or Euripides’ Bacchae are not the kind of positive experience we want freshman year at Princeton to be,” said Tilghman.  She went on to announce the removal of all Corinthian columns from campus.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer for the citizens of Greece.  Not even angry editorials in The Daily Princetonian by ex-members of the country could change the administration’s mind.

“We just hate Greece,” Tilghman explained.

-SBW ’15


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