Joe Paterno Also Covered Up Who Killed JFK, Where Other Sock Goes In Dryer

In a shocking new twist in the Penn State case, disgraced former head of the Penn State football program Joe Paterno has been found to have covered up far more than previously thought. In addition to charges of failing to adequately respond to reports of sexual abuse by one of the team’s assistant coaches, Paterno now faces allegations from a fact-finding commission of far greater cover-ups.

“One female graduate assistant told us that in late 2006, she found out that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus were just her parents sneaking around while she was asleep,” said Michael Jones, chair of the commission. “She reported this to Joe Paterno, who failed to inform the proper authorities. Even today, many parents still tell their children that Christmas gifts come from Santa Claus.”

Former graduate assistant Frank Yuo reported that he had told Joe Paterno about the location of the lost city of El Dorado in May of 2003, which he claims Paterno immediately hushed up. Paterno refused to comment.

In a statement, Paterno’s lawyer said, “While I can’t speak to the rest of the claims pending the outcome of current litigation, I can categorically deny that Joe Paterno has ever covered up the identity of the JFK assassin, the origin of the Shroud of Turin, the secret of the Voynich Manuscript, the identity of the Zodiac killer, and where that last sock you always lose in the dryer goes.”

“But the Area 51 cover up? Totally Joe Pa. He’s pretty sorry about that one.”

-TK ’15

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