A Letter to my Roommates

To my roommates,

With the end of midterms and my return to campus, I’d like to take this opportunity
to announce my reintroduction of several oft-requested habits that were lost during
midterms week, namely:

  • Shaving
  • Laundry
  • General hygiene
  • Nocturnal sleep schedule
  • Use of the stall doors in the bathrooms

Furthermore, several of the habits that I’ve picked up over the course of midterm
week will be dropped, including:

  • Referring to myself in the third person
  • Referring to myself in the second person (as in, “You fucking moron, no wonder you got rejected from Ogeechee Tech.”)
  • Referring to myself in the fourth person (virtually identical to referring to oneself in the third person, except everyone’s surname is changed to “McFucknuggets”)
  • Insisting that using Axe as a substitute for a shower is “close enough”
  • Insisting that orange juice and the crumbs I found from the cookies I ate while studying in bed as a substitute for breakfast is “close enough”
  • Violent fucking outbursts of goddamn profanity because I fucking feel like it, okay?
  • Making up racial stereotypes like a self-deceiving Belarusian
  • Refusing to answer phone calls because I don’t have any time to spare, but adamantly defending the belief that watching three straight episodes of Louie is a reasonable study break
  • Using pencils, rulers, scissors, and calculator cases as forks
  • Bottle pissing

Until reading week!

Harrison McFucknuggets


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