To my roommates,
With the end of midterms and my return to campus, I’d like to take this opportunity
to announce my reintroduction of several oft-requested habits that were lost during
midterms week, namely:
- Shaving
- Laundry
- General hygiene
- Nocturnal sleep schedule
- Use of the stall doors in the bathrooms
Furthermore, several of the habits that I’ve picked up over the course of midterm
week will be dropped, including:
- Referring to myself in the third person
- Referring to myself in the second person (as in, “You fucking moron, no wonder you got rejected from Ogeechee Tech.”)
- Referring to myself in the fourth person (virtually identical to referring to oneself in the third person, except everyone’s surname is changed to “McFucknuggets”)
- Insisting that using Axe as a substitute for a shower is “close enough”
- Insisting that orange juice and the crumbs I found from the cookies I ate while studying in bed as a substitute for breakfast is “close enough”
- Violent fucking outbursts of goddamn profanity because I fucking feel like it, okay?
- Making up racial stereotypes like a self-deceiving Belarusian
- Refusing to answer phone calls because I don’t have any time to spare, but adamantly defending the belief that watching three straight episodes of Louie is a reasonable study break
- Using pencils, rulers, scissors, and calculator cases as forks
- Bottle pissing
Until reading week!
Harrison McFucknuggets
-CEvM’13