Zombie Outbreak Gives Much Needed Direction to Occupy Wall Street Protests

“Brains, braaaaiiiinnns,” says one newly focused protester

A recent zombie outbreak in the heart of the New York financial sector has given a new purpose to the Wall Street protests. These protests, also known as “Occupy Wall Street”, have been previously marred by conflicting goals and ideals, ranging from ending the Federal Reserve to ending the death penalty. However, “Occupy Wall Street” received its new motivational push Thursday morning when a vial of Umbrella Corporation’s (UMB) T-virus was shattered during transport to its Manhattan offices. This virus, colloquially known as the zombie virus, is an airborne pathogen that quickly turns those affected into the living dead, rendering them simple beasts driven by an overwhelming hunger for brains of the living.

“It was simply incredible,” one rapidly zombifying protester said. “Before I was really getting disheartened by the chaos of it all, but now I feel—Oh! Oh God! Get away from me, run while you can! Br—Brains! Brains!” Local police officer Roy Mulligan agreed, “I really got to hand it to these kids. To be honest, we were all laughing at them before, but you can bet we’re taking them seriously now. Hell, even the Wall Street guys are taking them seriously now.” Mulligan then loaded another round into his shotgun and fired into the approaching horde before being overtaken and eaten alive.

The outbreak of the T-virus at first was actually an incredibly divisive issue within the “Occupy Wall Street” movement. Soon after it started, the protesters divided into two factions: the “Brains” faction, and the “Kill the Sons-a-Bitches”. However, it didn’t take long for the Brains faction to become the dominant one, and the “Kill” faction is now almost completely gone from the landscape. “Well, you can’t win them all, I guess,” said the last representative of the Kill faction. “Personally, I believe that this is only making us look worse in the eyes of the media, but it’s hard to fight the crowd.”

It remains to be seen what the broader impact of the “Occupy Wall Street” protests will be on the political landscape. While obviously the zombie outbreak has energized and focused the protesters, the eating of the living’s brains will likely be a controversial proposal for the nation as a whole. Jon Kyl (R-AZ) has already issued a statement against the proposal, saying in the Senate yesterday, “Fellow Americans, you can rest assured that I will stand with you against the eating of our brains. Our brains are hard won, and redistribution of our neural networks stands against all the principles of our Founding Fathers.” The spokesperson of the protesters was unavailable for reply, as we were forced to gun him down when he attacked us.

-TK ’15

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