For those of you who don’t know, last week was the Day of Atonement, when Jews stop eating for a day and get judged. Part of that process involves going around to everyone I know and apologizing for all of the bad shit I’ve done. If I actually apologize to everyone I get a free car or something. (I’m not really sure on the specifics since my rabbi stopped answering my questions after he realized that it was, in fact, 3 in the morning, and that it was only a nerf gun.) Anyways, since absolutely everyone reads Tiger Mag (except for Josh), I figured this would be a good place to apologize to the masses. Here it goes:
- I’m sorry for breaking in to Rabbi Cohen’s house at 3 in the morning. And Rabbi Goldberg’s house, and Rabbi Schwartzenstein’s, and Rabbi Fukushima.
- I’m sorry for trying to convert Rabbi Cohen to Scientology. And Rabbi Goldberg, Rabbi Schwartzenstein, and Rabbi Hernandez.
- I’m sorry for trying to make Fedora Fridays a thing.
- I’m sorry for stealing everything I could carry from the burning wreckage of Mgama, Tanzania. And for telling the revolutionaries to start those fires. And for starting the revolution. I admit that was a bit excessive.
- I’m sorry for exiling my roommate for the third night in a row. To be fair, I was on a pretty long dry streak, but that doesn’t make it any better. Especially when we were just playing Connect Four.
- I’m sorry for trying to make a banana cannon in my physics lab.
- I’m sorry for buying the entire New Jersey supply of bubble wrap and spray paint. I saw a real live protestor and thought the Orange Bubble broke.
- Finally, I’m sorry if I have done anything bad to you this year, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I sincerely apologize and hope you can forgive me. Except for Josh. Fuck you, Josh.