Listen, I’m a man. It seems like you can’t throw a spear in this town without alerting the authorities or hitting an op-ed about how little free time the average Princeton student has – you’re all too busy playing on trampolines and earnestly making up names for the constellations on cloudless nights and securing the reticent trust of betrayed dogs and whatever the fuck else it is students do – so I can appreciate that you don’t see many commercials, and as such have no idea what it means to be a man.
Let me break it down for you. A man, first and foremost, cares about any and all light beer more than he cares about whatever hooker he happens to be married to at any particular point in time. A good example from my life that demonstrates how I am a man is when I say to my bitch at the end of a day ‘yo, bitch, grab me a refreshing Miller Lite with aluminum something and a frost activated swirling machine, and don’t tell me about your day.’
Men, second and foremost, are America. You better shut the fuck up about other things that are not America. William Henry Harrison once murdered a man for not shutting the fuck up about other things that are not America, and no one even asked him to justify himself. William Henry Harrison was a man.
But third and foremost, and most important, men love to watch sports. This is true of me. To conclude, here is a quiz: I will list several things that it is okay for men to say when watching a sports television, and several things that it is not okay for men to say. If you can tell them apart, congratulations – you are a man.
2.) ‘Run, you fuck!’
3.) ‘Now, when the swinger hits the ball and decides to run, why is it that he wants to run around in a circle and get back to where he started? That seems like a waste of time.’
4.) ‘I don’t see why they have to hit each other like that.’
5.) ‘What a terrible fucking call.’
6.) ‘I fucking hate (Player X) for being such a fuck.’
7.) ‘Now that didn’t seem fair!’
8.) ‘You’ve got a man wide fucking open!’
9.) ‘Tampa Bay? My friend is from Tampa Bay!’
10.) ‘It’s nice that someone got to win.’
-Alex Moss ‘14