I Hereby Resign as a Planeeter

Hi, everyone. Heart here. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve realized that my time as a planeeter is done. This wasn’t an easy decision and it—hey, where are you going? I’m serious this time!

Don’t doubt it. I’m going and there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t even try to stop me, it’s not gonna work! I’m—

Seriously? At least try.

Listen, I contribute nothing to the team. Heart? What the fuck does heart do anyway? You get a fucking flamethrower on your finger! You, you get a fucking hurricane death ring! I get a monkey! A motherfucking useless monkey!

Great, yeah, I can telepathically communicate to animals. Do you even know what animals think about? All the time, it’s always whining. “I’m hungry”, “I’m thirsty”, “I’m horny”, “I’m in a zoo”. It’s like dealing with little children. We’re trying to save these bumbling fucks?

No, you’re the asshole. I called dibs on earth, Kwame. Dibs is fucking binding.

And you know what? Gaia’s just a complete bitch. Yeah, I said it. “A power ring”, she said. “You’ll be a superhero”, she said. “You’ll help save the world”, she said. Bull. Shit. I help babysit the monkey while you light shit on fire.

What’s that? You’re going to replace me with the goddamn monkey?

… actually, he’s a pretty solid choice.

I’m still very offended, though.

 

RCLM ’13

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