Eight Vaginas That Have Ruined My Life

1. Susan B. Anthony’s Vagina

Susan B. Anthony and her unapologetic vagina fought to liberate women from the subjugation of the domestic sphere. Anthony played a pivotal role in bringing the suffrage movement to the national stage by co-founding the National Woman Suffrage Association with Elizabeth Cady Stanton. We can thank Anthony for the 19th Amendment, as well as the feminist movement that followed.

And now I feel like an asshole any time I make a sandwich.

2. Elizabeth Cady Stanton’s Vagina

See above.

3. The Virgin Mary’s Vagina

The story of Mary’s impenetrable vagina is the reason dumb people think Immaculate Conception is a thing. Also, in birthing Jesus, she birthed the fundamentalist Christians who run Fox News.

4. My Best Friend’s Vagina

Because it makes her do stupid things.

5. My Own Vagina

Because it makes me do stupid things.

6. A Whale’s Vagina

Because that is an asinine joke.

7. Michelle Duggar’s Vagina

Michelle Duggar has popped nineteen kids out of her vagina. This enormous middle finger to Earth’s carrying capacity is featured on TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting.” The family lives in Tontitown, Arkansas and the children are home-schooled, because having eighteen siblings in the godforsaken state of Arkansas didn’t fuck them up quite enough.

8. Teeth

The movie about the piranha-vagina from hell that struck fear in the hearts of non-eunuchs and made me physically ill.

-AW ’14

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