Milk Speaks Out Against Oreo: “Not My Favorite Cookie,” She Says.

In a shocking revelation, yesterday afternoon Milk finally decided to go public about her true feelings towards Oreo. [1] It turns out that Milk and Oreos don’t mix as well as previously thought.

“Oreo isn’t even close to my favorite cookie,” said Milk to the Princeton Tiger in an exclusive interview. “There are so many better cookies out there – homemade and commercial. In fact, I don’t think I would be able to decide on a favorite cookie even if my life depended on it.” Milk proceeded to list some that would be up there in the rankings, including Snickerdoodle and Biscotti for homemade, and Nutter Butter, Walker’s Shortbread, and that flaky spirally cookie with chocolate on the inside that’s shaped like a straw for more commercial cookies. She insisted, however, that Oreo was not even close.

Milk is now suing both Oreo and his agent, Nabisco, for using her image in their commercials without consent, as well as pressing criminal charges for false advertising, embezzlement, and slavery. [2] It is not quite evident what the embezzlement charges are based upon.

It is unclear whether or not slavery is actually a crime that one can be charged with, but Milk was pretty convincing in her argument: “Nabisco kept me locked away inside a cold white box for weeks at a time. Quite frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t spoil.” [3]

Oreo, on the other hand, gives a completely different perspective on the story. “This is complete nonsense!” He yelled really loudly, “Clearly Milk is just another attention craving white chick wrongfully accusing an innocent black man!” It has since been confirmed that Oreo is actually only 2/3 black, though it is still unclear how exactly that ratio might have come about. The current leading explanation postulates that Oreo had either only one white grandmother (who slept with both of his grandfathers) or only one white grandfather (who slept with both of his grandmothers). [4]

And still, even though Oreo is two whole thirds black, his argument seems to be zero thirds working. “Honestly, the dude’s got no chance,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, “Juries love seeing celebrities like Oreo locked up behind bars, no matter how much mixed-race incest is in their family.”

-AJ ’14


[1] The Tiger editorial board was unsure of how exactly to identify Milk sexually, but it was resolved that Milk must be female, on account of the fact that she comes out of nipples.

[2] The board had a similar problem regarding the sex of Oreo, but ultimately decided that Oreo must be male considering he is being charged with rape.

[3] We believe that “spoil” in this context is a new slang word for die.

[4] Thereby two of his three grandparents would be black, even though half of his genes would still be white. We agree, this is shaky, but it’s the best we’ve got.

Milk Speaks Out Against Oreo: “Not My Favorite Cookie,” She Says.

In what can be called nothing more than an extremely unexpected story of one individual coming out and revealing all of the mistreatment she had been submitted to, yesterday afternoon Milk finally decided to go public about her true feelings towards Oreo. [1]

“Oreo isn’t even close to my favorite cookie,” said Milk to the Princeton Tiger, “there are so many better cookies out there – homemade and commercial. In fact, I don’t think I would be able to even decide on a favorite cookie if my life depended on it.” Milk proceeded to list some that would be up there in the rankings, including Snickerdoodle and Biscotti for homemade, and Nutter Butter, Walker’s Shortbread, and that flaky spirally cookie with chocolate on the inside that’s shaped like a straw for more commercial cookies. She insisted, however, that Oreo was not even close.

Milk is now suing both Oreo and his agent, Nabisco, for using her image in their commercials without consent, as well as pressing criminal charges for false advertising, embezzlement, slavery, and rape.[2] It is not quite evident what the embezzlement charges are based upon, but after an interview, it is clear that she has a strong case for the other charges.

“Oreo just kept forcing his way inside of me,” said Milk, forcing her way through tears,[3] “and all I could do was just sit there and take it. What could I have done when Oreo had the help of celebrity athletes?” Given what Milk has described, the Manning brothers and Williams sisters are also facing charges as accomplices to the rapes. On account of the fact that these rapes have been internationally broadcast on television, there seems to be strong evidence supporting Milk’s case.

It is unclear whether or not slavery is actually a crime that one can be charged with, but Milk was pretty convincing in her argument: “Nabisco kept me locked away inside a cold white box for weeks at a time. Quite frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t spoil.”[4]

Oreo, on the other hand, gives a completely different perspective on the story. “This is complete nonsense!” He yelled really loudly, “Clearly Milk is just another attention craving white chick wrongfully accusing an innocent black man!” It has since been confirmed that Oreo is actually only 2/3 black. “She consented each and every time, and enthusiastically, too!”

Milk’s lawyers at the GotMilk corporation insist that Oreo is just playing the race card: “Seriously, he’s only even 2/3 black. How does that ratio even happen?” Upon later research it was discovered that being 2/3 of one race is actually impossible, even with incest. The closest possible explanation would be that Oreo had either only one white grandmother (who slept with both of his grandfathers) or only one white grandfather (who slept with both of his grandmothers).[5]

And still, even though Oreo is two whole thirds black, his argument seems to be zero thirds working. “Honestly, the dude’s got no chance,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, “Juries love seeing celebrities like Oreo locked up behind bars, no matter how much mixed-race incest is in their family.”


[1] The Tiger editorial board was unsure of how exactly to identify Milk sexually, but it was resolved that Milk must be female, on account of the fact that she comes out of nipples.

[2] The board had a similar problem regarding the sex of Oreo, but ultimately decided that Oreo must be male considering he is being charged with rape.

[3] It is actually unclear whether or not these were tears, they may have just been condensation.

[4] We believe that “spoil” in this context is a new slang word for die.

[5] Thereby two of his three grandparents would be black, even though half of his genes would still be white…

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