Horoscopes

Aries
It’s not easy being green, but after your organic chemistry precept this week you might just have to get used to it.

Taurus
When you find yourself in a situation so insane that not even the stars could have predicted it, don’t say you weren’t warned. That’s just being redundant.

Gemini
The stars would tell you the most exciting thing that’s going to happen to you this week, but they wouldn’t want to spoil the season finale of The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Cancer
Your astrological sign will seem especially ironic this week when, despite your regular prostate exams, what finally kills you is a massive coronary.

Leo
Tomorrow your dreams will come true when you find yourself in the biggest candy shop in the world. Also for some reason your high school english teacher is there.

Virgo
The stars are sick and tired of telling you your future, so maybe you should reciprocate and tell the stars whats in store for them this week.

Libra
You know that dream, where you realize you have a test in a class you haven’t been attending? You have 5 minutes, and this is not a dream.

Scorpio
Remember last week when the stars told you that your mother would always love you no matter what terrible things you did? Apparently they didn’t consider that thing.

Sagittarius
If you want to know what Sagittarius has in store for you this week, just text your name and the name of your crush to 788743.

Capricorn
You will quickly discover that what they say about all roads simply isn’t true when you find yourself hopelessly lost in the Italian countryside.

Aquarius
The stars told you not to count your chickens before they hatched, but you had to, and now you’re freaking out because you lost 5 of them in your dorm room.

Pisces
Reply hazy, try again.

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