God Checks Into Rehab For Gambling Addiction

Elysium, SPIRIT WORLD—Professional personal deity God has checked Himself into a rehabilitation centre in the Elysian Fields, citing gaming problems and schizophrenia.

The aleph-null-year-old Creator, also known as Yahweh, first acknowledged His incessant habit of playing dice last century.

All-powerful deity that He is, God has alleged that the gambling problem does not interfere with His administrative and maintenance responsibilities to Earth and the rest of the Universe. In fact, the most recent scientific theories hold divine gambling and throwing of dice responsible not only for radioactive decay and ambiguously dead cats, but also the Big Bang.

‘It is now the cosmology community’s consensus,’ said a recent open letter to the Roman Catholic Church, ‘that the quantum fluctuations responsible for all of Creation were caused by two dice colliding during a game of Warhammer 40000 amongst the Holy Trinity, when God rolled for initiative.’

Scientists have been observing the Helix Nebula Dice since the late 1980s. Common consensus is that they will annihilate all life on Earth and land on two sixes, thus getting the Andromeda Galaxy out of jail for free.

The Vatican has refused to make a statement, although experts suspect an excommunication may be inevitable.

‘This sort of irresponsible playing dice with the Universe really is a PR disaster for the Church,’ says professional expert Xavier Pert. ‘Some fundamental overhauls wouldn’t be out of the question—even bringing Ba’al back as the supreme god would be preferable.’

Meanwhile, physicists are scrambling to find out as much as they can while the probabilistic nature of quantum laws is suspended.

‘We don’t know how long He’s going to be in rehab,’ admits Leonard Precipitation, a high-energy physicist based at CERN. ‘But while He’s in there, He’s not throwing dice, and we can observe and predict whatever we want—like, say, how long He’s going to be in rehab.’

The location of the rehabilitation centre has not been disclosed—God knows where He is.

—DC ’14

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