Old Man Lurer Had Audacity to be Old, Unattractive

It has been two weeks since Tony Kadyhrob was spotted in the Borough of Princeton, but the aftereffects linger. Kadyhrob, 68, a noted lurer, had been luring his way up and down Western New Jersey in his bitching maroon Yaris for days, and was infamous for both his desire to have sex with college-aged women and his utter inability to lure them into doing so.

“I’ve been doing this job for almost three decades and I’ve never seen a guy with so little game try to have sex with a twenty-one year old woman,” said a disgusted Derek Neck, a public safety officer at Princeton. “I mean – to be honest? I’m uncomfortable even talking about it. Random solicitations for intercourse should be between pretty people, mostly young and drunk, after a set amount of jokes and dancing. That’s the way the founding fathers drew it up and that’s what I believe. And here’s this guy making a mockery of it!”

It appears that Kadyhrob’s yearning to have sex with lithe, young, sexually awakened women overcame him at least once – at Rider University he grabbed a student’s arm and instructed her to get into his bitching maroon Yaris, presumably so that the two could have some sex in the aforementioned Yaris. Unsurprisingly, the young woman was unconvinced.

Upon hearing how little game Kadyhrob had, police at Rider acted swiftly to arrest him. The arresting officer, Linda Ketchup, was in disbelief. “I just couldn’t understand it. I was awake all night trying to. Here is this twenty-year old girl, all she wants to do is learn her textbooks, and then boom, enter old man with a sweet car but absolutely zero game, ogling her perfect breasts,” she said. “He had no game at all – I cannot emphasize that enough. He was very old, and not rich or handsome to make up for it.”

Other Ivy League schools are taking precautions to prevent Kadyhrob or any other copycat lurers from luring in their towns. At Dartmouth, Miles Backpack, the head of public safety, makes sure his officers know the law. “New Hampshire law is very clear on having no game, being creepy, wanting very badly to sleep with people who would clearly never be interested – you move to arrest immediately.”

At Yale, an officer posted pictures of Kadhyrob’s bitching maroon Yaris on the department’s message board. “That there is a luring machine, and we need to be on the look out,” he said, while being stabbed by a New Haven resident.

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