David: I can’t do another episode of this.
Alex: Find a way to cheer up, like me! I’ve got a bottle full of Xanax waiting for me at home.
David: I’ve got a twelve gauge.
Cameraman: We’re rolling. They can hear everything you’ve said.
Alex: Hello fab fans and star stalkers! Welcome to the Fame Stalker News Hour, bringing all the Hollywood news your frontal lobe can handle!
David: What he said.
Alex: I’m your Host Alex Janeway.
Alex: I said, I’m your host Alex Janeway.
David: And I’m your host David Crane. My life is full of meaning.
Alex: And that meaning is the hottest celebrity gossip!
David: Right. Let’s get this over with. Yesterday, Lady Gaga wore something wacky.
Alex: This redefines importance! What was she wearing?
David: A dress made of material dresses aren’t usually made of.
Alex: My god.
David: Are you okay? You look like you’re having a seizure.
Alex: I’m just… shocked by the genius. I’ve never seen something so beautiful in my life.
David: You should go outside.
Alex: “Out”? Is that a new movie? Album? Make sure you mention it on our Twitter feed.
David: I think I’ll just pretend you didn’t say that and move on. According to the teleprompter, an awards show made one vaguely unexpected move during two hours of tedium.
Alex: I, for one, almost had a heart attack.
David: Better luck next time.
Alex: Thanks. Wait…
David: Don’t hurt yourself thinking about it.
Alex: Okay, buddy.
David: There can’t be a word in any human language that scratches the surface of how much I hate you right now.
Alex: Let’s see if our viewers can find one! This is the perfect opportunity to use our new audience interaction feature. We can take incredibly insightful comments from our viewers online in real time!
David: Please don’t.
Alex: Halo4Life23 says that “Slayer Rules”.
David: That’s fantastic.
Alex: MemeFan91 says we can buy beachfront property in Florida with three easy down payments.
David: Any other gems of wisdom?
Alex: Studmeister_Prime says the word “abhor” might apply.
David: Ten points to the peanut gallery.
Alex: Anyway, on to Charlie Sheen.
David: Is this what I went through college for?! Did I get a Journalism degree to eat TMZ’s table scraps?
Alex: But they’re such juicy scraps!
David: Well you can have them all for yourself. I’m done.
Alex: But I’m barely literate! How am I supposed to sort through this red hot gossip by myself?
David: A monkey could do it.
Alex: What’s a monkey?
David: The man in the mirror.