You’re Doing Facebook Wrong

Sometimes, when I like a Facebook photo fifteen seconds after it’s been posted, I’ll get a comment like, “Of course it doesn’t take you more than 30 seconds to see that I changed my profile picture, Abby.” Other times, when I bring up a friend’s wall post in everyday conversation, I’ll hear, “Why are you so creepy?” I find these quasi-insults to be quasi-insulting, for one reason only.

EVERYONE IS STALKING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE.

Picture this – You’re in POL 240 lecture, taking dedicated notes, when you decide to reward yourself with a little Facebook break. You see you have two notifications, one from an invite to the latest dance show on campus (so that doesn’t even count), and another from a wall post by a high school friend. You look at your wall, read, “I MEES YOU, Love, Marcus,” gag inwardly, and click on Marcus’ thumbnail prof pic. You are now on Marcus’ page. You read a rather witty wall post about the Black Eyed Peas’ Super Bowl halftime performance from one of Marcus’ female friends. You click on her name, because her wall post made you chuckle and maybe she’s halfway decent-looking. Ehh, looks like her nose is a little out of control, but you’ll go through her profile pictures just for fun. Hey, her thirty-sixth profile picture is with a girl whose boobs can’t POSSIBLY be real. Click on that tag, we’re analyzing this chick and nudging the friend next to you to get his opinion, when BOOM. Her interests are tanning, Garnier hair color, Armani Exchange, and Secret Keeping. So we just solved that mystery (only girls with fake boobs use Garnier), but who else on the planet would ever list the interest of “Secret Keeping?” Now we’re checking out that page, when class ends and you just spent forty minutes not giving a shit about the Peloponnesian War.

This sound familiar? It should, since you’ve ALL DONE IT.

The age of Facebook has opened up millions of doors to today’s youth. We can now create online personae and spy on other people’s online personae in broad daylight, without having to wear Groucho Marx glasses. Some critics have said that our generation is isolating itself into this online world, where people aren’t really what they seem and no one truly knows anyone else.

…So?

Facebook is an incredible device. It removes the necessity to tread lightly around people’s feelings, because we don’t have to suffer the psychological distress of watching people cry after insulting them. In the past, this has been called cyber-bullying. I like to think of it as being fucking honest. And after years of experience in the Facebook honesty department, I have a few observations to report. The following list provides a comprehensive profile of common misuses of Facebook, aka reasons I hate people.

I feel no compunction about judging you if –

1) Your past fourteen profile pictures are of you and your boyfriend. Okay, I get it. Girls love their boyfriends. But fourteen profile pictures? In a row? That’s just a big flashing advertisement of, “I like to call my boyfriend repeatedly at two in the morning until he picks up, just to make sure he misses me as much as I miss him, and if he sounds groggy, I will DROP that motherf*cker because the only reason he could possibly be that tired is that he’s cheating on me with a BLONDE.”

2) You have over a hundred profile pictures. Do I look like I have time to scoop the water that is your insecurity out of that rapidly sinking ship?

3) You write self-deprecating statuses. Leah E. – “Feeling fat and ugly post-Thanksgiving :(” The best part about self-deprecating statuses are the loyal minions who immediately jump on that grenade. You’ve seen them – “LEAH! You are SO BEAUTIFUL, inside and out!” “L – any boy would be lucky to have you.” Maybe, Leah, you should stop announcing how unbangable you are on the internet, and hop back on the treadmill.

4) You write ambiguous statuses about your significant other. Sara I. – “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.” Well Sara, that sounds like an extremely personal matter advertised in a passive-aggressive manner on an extremely public forum. Maybe you should keep that shit to yourself and avoid vomiting your relationship troubles all over my news feed.

5) You talk about things that make me uncomfortable. David O. – “RIP grandpa :’(“ …Please show your deceased loved one a LITTLE respect by not publicizing his death on a site dedicated to LOLCATS pictures, nut-tapping videos, and inappropriate, vaguely racist jokes.

6) You write a variation of “I love you baby and I miss you soOoO much </3” on your girlfriend’s wall every day, twice a day. You’re clearly trying too hard for a reason, and that reason is infidelity.

7) You want me to read your tumblr. Stop.

I doubt the Founding Fathers had “Carol is fighting a urinary tract infection…boo :(” in mind when they drafted the first amendment. The freedom of speech only goes so far. Facebook deserves our best efforts. Please don’t pollute it with your crap.

– AW’14

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