The internet provides of fine array of options for diversion, self-delusion, or old-fashioned wallowing in self-pity. After all, who needs a date when Homestuck loves you? If comics aren’t your forte, you can get through the day in no time by stalking your former beaus through social networking. Furthermore, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that the pornographic options at your fingertips are almost limitless. If all else fails, head to the forum of your choice and spew cathartic misandry/misogyny to your heart’s content.
The Park
Dozens of couples will be enjoying nature’s splendor this Valentine’s day. Clearly, your only option is to ruin this for as many of them as possible. Hover around park benches like a scarecrow. Leer from at each pair with a hate in your eyes usually reserved for war criminals and sex offenders. If possible, steal boxes of chocolate.
Your Room
Interacting with the outside world’s gotten you nowhere, so you might as well stay inside. You can finally enjoy a colorful array of microwavable meals and single-player video games, without irritants interrupting your complex debates with yourself. Who else can keep up with your wit? This option even opens up a chance for travel; as your mind slowly unravels, your dorm can be your very own Silent Hill.
The Greeting Cards Aisle at the Pharmacy
There’s no better place to remind yourself that Valentine’s Day is just a holiday invented by Hallmark to sell cheesy greeting cards and make you feel pressured to include yourself in the soulless, manufactured consumer culture. Right… Right?
The Fridge
Facing your real issues is difficult, so why not put all those emotions inside a deluxe cheesecake? You’ll be eating alone, so you’ll have the whole cake to yourself. And the subsequent weight gain ensures you get to repeat the fun next year.
The Bottle
Nothing says “romance” like drinking alone on a Monday. Enjoy a nice bottle of vodka or two as your liver screams for mercy.
The Office/Library
There’s no distraction from the meaninglessness of your existence like work. While you pretend to care about this month’s quarterly report or researching the history of a tribe whose name you can’t spell, thoughts of ending it all will be placed firmly in the background. Remember, work doesn’t consume your life. Just your soul.
Your Parent’s House
This is the perfect reminder that it’s not just your relationships aren’t the only thing that have remained stagnant since high school. It’s your life as a whole. A return to the room of your childhood provides valuable perspective on the tornado of failure you’ve grown into.
A Fondue Restaurant
There’s no better way to prove that you’re secure enough to do traditionally couple-y things on your own than eating foods liberally coated in cheese. Seriously.
The Fiery Pit of Bitterness and Self-Loathing Buried Deep Inside Your Shriveled Heart
The mind is its own place. In your case, it’s a neighborhood that makes Detroit look like Disneyland.
-D.D. ‘13